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Old 01-13-2011, 12:13 PM
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erithacus erithacus is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 17

Originally Posted by polyexplorer View Post
Hi Robin,
I really appreciate your awareness around the confused communication...
Thank you. It has taken us some time to see this and the role it has played and is playing. But we do have a handle on where exactly things are going wrong, now, and I'm glad for that.

Originally Posted by polyexplorer View Post
I am in a situation where my wife has been struggling with the concept of poly and one minute she expresses that she wants me to be in another relationship and the next minute her emotions show me that she is not coping. She struggles to be honest and open about her needs and desires. This does make things more difficult for everyone...
In what context do you use the word "honest" here? I have been accused of not being "honest" and while I may not have known my exact thoughts and deepest feelings at the moment, that does not mean that I was dishonest if, at a later time, I get a better picture of myself.

It sounds like your wife has the same thing as I do: rationally she agrees but emotionally she isn't ready yet. There's two different levels of communication. Is that true? How do you handle that?

Originally Posted by polyexplorer View Post
However, the other person involved who I have a deep connection with cannot pursue that connection when she knows my wife is hurting as a result. Even if I wanted to pursue the connection, she wouldn't. I admire this in her and I know my wife feels supported by her (sometimes more supported by her than by me!! - but I'm working on that one!!)
Yes, that's admirable indeed! And more likely to get the three of you anywhere then when she would be indifferent to your wife's needs.

I recognize some of your wife's feelings of sometimes being more supported by her then by you. It's hard to feel supported by someone who wants to do something that is scaring or hurting you. Some people in my social circle say that that in itself is not supportive. But I disagree. While it is not _protective_, it can be supportive. It's a delicate balance. When you protect someone too much, you aren't getting anywhere, but when you're pushing them too hard or too fast, you aren't getting anywhere either.

If J would say: "Hey, I can see this is hard for you, let's stop." I'd feel better, because I would feel safe. For now. But it's not a viable long-term solution to anything. So I'm not upset because this is happening (I know I need a good kick in the @(*&* now and then) but I'm upset because it is happening too fast. Or I should say: has been happening. We're definitely on a track where we can go at slower pace. That alone is making me feel much better already.

Originally Posted by polyexplorer View Post
I appreciate that you want this to work and that is good... Let it take whatever time it takes. While each involved still has hope, there is hope! Trust the timing that it will be the right timing...
Yeah, trust and timing: key words of 2011


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