Rarechild, your post came through while I was writing my reply to Quath.
It is not like this has gone on a long time. Until recently, the two of them were not having sex much, and she and I weren't, either. She was in a major libido slump. He and I *did* have sex during that time. Her libido has since bounced back some, and now it's been eleven days since he and I were together.
However, SHE and I were together during alone time last week... so she is definitely not doing anything intentional or wrong. As far as he goes, the last time he and I had sex it caused an issue with her (an unexpected issue, I might add), and so to some extent I wonder if that's not somehow subconsciously weighing on his mind.
There is NO denying he gets defensive when I talk to him about this. He's had some issues with sex, having lost his virginity in what was essentially (date) rape (and he went on to have a relationship with the girl because it was the only way he could cope - I was the first person to recognize the story for what it was). I think that our GF and him have a bond that he and I don't because she has been raped.
I don't want to make them feel badly for enjoying each other. It seems unfair, when I enjoy time alone with each of them. And I *DO* have the highest libido. Those are my words.
However, that said - there was a discussion a few weeks back because I felt they were constantly teasing me about it, and it was starting to piss me off and make me feel taken for granted. She and I also had to have a conversation because she has a tendency to get fairly physical when she has no intentions of having sex, and I was feeling like I was being used for her ego... like I was some sort of toy to play with and laugh at. The conversations she and I had related to all of this were extremely productive and resulted in my having a better understanding of where she was coming from when she did that (for her it was a little thrill when she wasn't up for a big one, and I basically explained that it was too much of a thrill for me if there wasn't follow up). She also told me that she never wants me to feel unwanted, and that was part of the motivation behind that during a time when she just wasn't feeling up for sex (starting a new job, a hard schedule, etc). However, she NEVER did that sort of thing with my husband, and so I was feeling toyed with. Now, we have a better understanding and have reached a middle ground on how far it can go...
But with him... *sigh* He is defensive. There's no doubt about it. I sort of understand where he's coming from, for a few reasons. One is that I'm the one who started all of this... he didn't ask for it or look for it (not that I looked for it, but it was still me he started it). Initially, he didn't even see how it could work, and we expected HIM to be the one with issues of jealousy and insecurity.
I know that stressing him out over sex is a sure fire way to make him want it even less... people have different libidos. He never withheld sex from me to make me feel badly or to punish me. He's not that kind of person at all. I think a lot of it related to his earlier sexual experiences with that first girlfriend, and also I think that he just generally doesn't think about sex as much as I do. For the record, he has low testosterone (and I, who have PCOS, have high testosterone, so go figure), and it's possible that isn't helping. On top of that, MS can cause erectile dysfunction issues, and he has Viagra, which he doesn't always need. But it DOES sometimes make a repeat performance impossible, and so on a night when he's with her, it's not JUST a lack of desire that may motivate him to not want me... there's also the risk of it not working, and as he's only 33, that's a devastating thing to deal with.
The bottom line is that sex is this very complex thing because of multiple factors, including several not related to her. Let's just add to this fire the fact that in our first year together, my sexual experience was very limited and I was insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. As I've already said, he was looking for any reason to run from me at that point, and sex became one of those reasons - because it wasn't very good for him (and I had little to compare it with). We've come a LONG way since then, and have had truly amazing sex... but I have the memory of an elephant, and remember every word ever said (including some said to be hurtful, but most said out of thoughtlessness, not cruelty) about that time period. So, naturally, with some insecurity I didn't know I still had, I am worried that maybe I'm not that good.
Okay... I'd write more but this thread's turning into a novel, and I have to go to work anyway. LOL. Thank you for listening, all of you... and Rarechild, I am mulling some of what you said. I definitely see some of your points as valid, and worth pondering.