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Old 09-01-2009, 01:39 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: SW Michigan
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Default My heart hurts for you

Karelia,

From what you've written, I can feel how hurt you are and you have a reason to be. I will try not to draw any conclusions, as this is one side of a three-sided story, and I don't know you as a person, but I feel you are being treated unfairly, by yourself as well as your lovers. (but mostly by yourself!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
With either of them, the chance of me having sex later that night is nil. So, while I want them to have the right to choose to be alone, I struggle with feeling like it's a choice to not ALL be together... I know I want alone sex with each of them, and expect them to want it with each other. That's not the problem. Furthermore, I don't want to be taken for granted as a sure thing (though I absolutely am)... I want the right to choose one of them during alone time and say no to the other later that night. :
Earlier in the post you mentioned a sort of sexual starvation that had been going on for awhile. I know how that feels. It's terrible and really hard to be close to your lover if there is a block on physical manifestation of love for whatever reason. It seems you are right back to where you started- not getting enough physical interaction, but now with two instead of one, and having to deal with the fact that the ones you desire are not experiencing this with each other- something is going on here.

It seems to me there is more than a libido issue:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
1) He doesn't like having sex at night in the guestroom downstairs because getting up afterwards is annoying and inconvenient.

2) She goes to bed so early that sex at night has become virtually impossible. She has narcolepsy, so sleep is essential for her... though she's told us to just go ahead, at least on a weeknight, we are not willing to risk it.

3) I am learning to cope with not seeing as them choosing to not be with me when they have sex during alone time. I rationally accept and see this as true, but emotionally I still struggle, and alone time for them is a big stressor for me wondering "will they or won't they?" It's not even so much about if they do... the not knowing if they will seems to be the big issue. If I pretty much know they will or know they won't, I'm far less stressed while they have alone time.
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....they give you defenses, excuses, turn it around on you and make you feel as if you have the "highest libido" when it is you who are being deprived of sex, while it seems they are having more sex than you are?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
I had been hoping I might have a chance tonight, which was foolish for me to think because he and I haven't had sex at night in over a month. So, the odds weren't good regardless of them being together. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I know that I need to assume they will have sex during alone time and that it means I won't get sex with either of them later that night. That's their right. It's their time, and if that's what they do with it, that's their choice. So, I was foolish and stupid to get my hopes up for at least two reasons.
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Please don't think you are stupid or unreasonable or foolish- read this last part over- if this was someone you love saying this(and I hope it is)- wouldn't you feel compassion, feel that they were being unfair to themselves, want to help and build them up? wouldn't you see this as a situation that deserved to be dealt with? Well it is.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
I feel undesirable and unwanted. Everything else is fine. But this is a major source of emotional distress for me. I even found myself researching ways to lower libido, because the rejection is just so hard... and when you have the highest sex drive, you're always the one who is rejected.

I don't know why he doesn't want me. He'd say he does. Okay, so why he doesn't want me more, then. I think, sometimes, that my damn sex drive means that because I'm ALWAYS attainable, I get taken for granted and I'm less appealing. He can have me any night of the week. With her, his best shot is during that alone time.
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This sounds like something you've been talked into- everything is fine, but yet you are in turmoil, and you're being told there's something wrong with you for wanting to be an equal party in this relationship- That's just wrong! You deserve to be heard, loved, nurtured, comforted, given time, and shown love in all ways in both of your love relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
The worst part is, I can't talk to him about any of this. I *had* to talk to her (left out the part about feeling like he wants her but not me, though the sex would make that obvious anyway) because she caught me crying after I found out they had alone time sex, and I needed her to understand I wasn't hurt or angry or upset by that... I was mad at myself for putting myself in a position to be hurt. But that's on me, not them.

I can't talk to him for two reasons... one is he recently asked me to not talk to him about things he can't fix. Well, he sure as hell can't fix this. Beyond that, what does it accomplish? I can't make him want me more. I don't have any magical "make them want Kari" pixie dust lying around (if you have some, please send it). If I tell him, it may even serve to make the problem worse... because he may feel less inclined to have sex since it's a source of stress and drama. Furthermore, the last thing I want is "pity sex."

So... since lowering my libido is apparently impossible, what am I to do?...
It's SO hard to not be able to talk to him... It hurts him to know he's hurt me - even unintentionally, and I don't see how telling him about this solves the problem. But he's been my best friend for 10 years... and I've told him pretty much everything in that time, so learning to parse my thoughts is a big challenge. It's somewhat easier with her... and all she's asked is that I not make her feel responsible for these sorts of things (hence the not telling her I feel like he's wanting her more than me, even though I'm sure that's what she thinks because, well... the recent evidence supports that). And in this case, I was able to keep my emotions controlled enough to tell her what the real issue was - so she wouldn't think it was me reverting to crazy and being upset that they had sex alone.

She's done a lot to ensure I don't feel that way, but she's a girl and I think she gets it more than he does.
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This is the part that pisses me off the most. You are supposed to watch what is going on with them, deal with what is going on/not going on with you and both of them, and then not have a right to express your feelings because he can't fix it and she doesn't want to feel responsible? Bullshit. It sounds like you are doing your best to be understanding when there are things going on that are hurtful, torturous, and uncomfortable for you, but I don't detect any understanding coming back your way. I'll say it again- you deserve to be heard, no matter what is going on, and it's not ok for them to be carrying on like this and then denying you your feelings, the comfort of talking through ANYTHING you feel, making you feel isolated and unwanted.

You deserve to be taken seriously and respected. To hell with all this rationale. Talk to them and don't let them censor you! As long as you are being respectful and doing your best to honor them and their circumstances, you deserve to get the same back. Period. You are one of three people in this situation, and you all have the right to say exactly how you feel, right or wrong, and be listened to and loved.

You are not foolish and stupid, you are hurting, and I hope you can get them in the same room and tell them that.
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