Yeah, I am a master of self-pleasure. Small comfort when you feel unwanted or undesirable.
I wish I saw the benefit of talking to him about this. Her, I talked to, except leaving out the part where it feels as though he wants her more than he does me. I don't think I need to point that out when he and she have had sex twice in under a week and he and I haven't in eleven days. I'm pretty sure she's thinking I must feel that, and there's absolutely NO benefit to telling her I feel it. It can't fix the problem, and it can make it worse.
As for telling him... well, again, to what point? If he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me. Telling him isn't gonna help change that, and may even make him want me less, because then it feels like he's got to keep a mental tally of "fairness."
I am ALL for open communication, but I do think it's possible to be TOO open and TOO honest. There are things that need to be discussed. For example, he knows that his unwillingness to get up after sex at night and come upstairs to bed makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. It hasn't (and won't) change his behavior, though. I am going to point out one thing, which is that he has MS and a weak leg, and especially after sex, it is sometimes a challenge to walk for a while. But he can't fall asleep downstairs, either, because the alarm is upstairs and well, that doesn't really seem fair to our girlfriend... we don't want to make her sleep alone, and if he stays down there, one of them sleeps alone.
However, this was a situation in which I felt he COULD alter his behavior and do something to fix the problem. He chooses not to, but there's a solution. There's nothing he can do to make me feel more desired or wanted that I wouldn't question as inauthentic if he knows what I'm thinking. I don't want pity sex. Long before our GF entered the picture, when he and I had issues with his sex drive being lower than mine, and before I understood it wasn't about me, I felt insulted and unwanted and tried to explain this to him. Basically I *never* initiated sex. Maybe once out of every 10 times. I just couldn't handle the rejection... and when the topic came up, and it was like, okay fine, more sex, well... I didn't want his pity sex, and he didn't want to be doing it. So, it wasn't good for anyone and I learned to deal.
Now, I need to learn to deal again. I just haven't ever been in a situation where I watched my husband want someone else more than he wants me. Well, not really - when we were first dating and it wasn't exclusive, there was one girl (and I know way too much about that relationship because we were overly open and honest and it's haunted me since)... but that wasn't the same thing at all, because I wasn't involved with that girl (for the best since she was psycho), and he was using her to distance himself from me (he wasn't ready, she was a good distraction).
So, I don't know. I guess this might be one of those, "it takes time" things. I just am not sure I'll ever get over feeling unwanted and rejected by their lower sex drives (especially when they are choosing alone sex over all of us sex).
Ugh. I wish I could say, well, someday menopause might even the playing field... but I'm in medically induced menopause due to endometriosis, and one of the biggest side effects is a lower libido. You have NO idea how much I wanted to experience that one. Pathetic, I know.