Thread: Oh so lost
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Old 09-01-2009, 09:25 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lostfairy View Post
Hello,

I'm amazed that I'm even considering this as a remote option. I've always been best with people one on one, even in friendships. I've also had issues with jealousy, and I'm proud to say I've improved, but by no means have I overcome jealousy as an issue.0
I never considered it. Ever. In fact, my jealousy was so extreme that in my sexual fantasies about him and I, when a woman came into play, I ended the fantasy if they started up. Which is just plain nuts because it was my own damn fantasy.

He never wanted a threesome. He had a chance once, before he and I were committed to each other, and turned it down. It just wasn't really his thing.

When we were fooling around online we stumbled into a virtual threesome opportunity. It was too tempting to pass up, as I've always wanted to be with a girl in every way (I'd kissed and done a tad more w/ a friend years ago).

Well, what was supposed to be a casual fling turned into MUCH more, with me leading the way. I found her, I moved it towards a triad (a word I'd never heard until Us). I started to fall before he did.

My jealousy issues didn't really come out until we met in person... and as it turns out, most of them aren't really about jealousy, but about insecurities. Am I good enough at this? Does she do that better than I do? Etc, etc.

I've certainly experienced jealousy, but I've learned to recognize some things, too. For example, I was jealous that when she sits in the front seat, he holds her hand more than he's ever held mine. Then I realized... he doesn't, really. SHE holds HIS hand. She initiates. I never did. I started to, and guess what? He'll hold back... so there were those sort of things, and I had to stop and say, "wait, Kari... is it really this? Or are you missing the big picture?"

All I can say is... I fell in love. We all did. Not planned or unexpected. She'd been in poly relationships before, but we'd never even remotely considered it. We'd have laughed and told you that it couldn't be real love. We were SO sure that love could only be between two people. We were wrong.

It is HARD. I probably struggle with the most insecurity type issues, but we all have them (his are mostly related to her and her past). It's a lot of work, but then, it's also new. He and I struggled our first year together. He wasn't ready for what I meant to his life... we've been together for ten years, and married half that time. I've been his whole world for a long time, and I'm spoiled. I'm not used to it being like this, having to share. I'm still growing, still learning. He couldn't be in my shoes. He'd be out-of-his-mind jealous if she was a HE (and as he's straight, that situation would've never arisen anyway). But if I'd fallen for another guy, I *know* he'd have been hurt, pissed, etc, etc. He handles it only because it's a girl and he was only a few steps behind me emotionally where she is concerned.

The thing is... as hard as it is, when I hold her, I know it's worth it. I know it's worth the tears, the drama, the learning to grow together. We all have our baggage. We just need to figure out how to handle it with one another, and not let it be a source of contention... and we're still so new to this, we're learning to trust each other, too.

And even my husband, my lover and best friend all these years... we're learning a new dynamic. We're learning how to be three instead of two, and it's not easy. Some days (tonight being an example), I really struggle with some of the boundaries this new dynamic has had to create. I want to tell him EVERYTHING, like I always did... but slowly, I am seeing, how this is not always appropriate anymore. There are thoughts that go through my head that can't help and could hurt. I am learning to work these things out in my own ways, without input from the single most influential person in my life, and it's a struggle... but that's why I'm here. To have a place I can go to vent, to be as open as I need to be...

All I can tell you is that if you find love, especially if you aren't looking, it's very hard to walk away from that love, even if it's unconventional, even if it means a lot of work. I commend you for soul searching this one, but I tend to think that until you try, you can't really know. If it's right, it will work out for both of you, and any third you bring into what the two of you share already.
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