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Old 01-10-2011, 09:31 AM
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Joyce Joyce is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Netherlands
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I feel free to react on this post, because it is also addressed to me. I'm not sure if it is ok. because it is Robin's thread.. I'm not sure how the policy is of two people involved posting in the same thread. But I begin to think that isn't a problem at all..?
" May I give a suggestion from my heart?"

- Of course, those are the best, aren't they?

" (Joyce, I know Robin has read a recent thread about my situation, please feel free to also or ask me questions if you'd like to know )

I find that sometimes "boundary lists" are created with one person thinking "this is all I can handle" and the other person thinking "this won't be enough for me". "

- I think you are right by the boundary list thing.. In my experience Robin and I both felt unseen by making a compromise in the boundary list.

" Both are probably correct AT THIS MOMENT. "

- For ourselves the lists are correct, but maybe they are not for each other.. I'm not sure about that because we aren't working on the boundary lists.

" But-a boundary list doesn't have to be a "forever it stays this way document". "

- Well.. I did hold on to the idea of that things will change. I begin to wonder if that's why Robin felt rushed and pushed.

" Would it be possible for each of you to make your own lists-then come together with a "suggested time schedule" for getting from one to the other? "

- That sounds like a wonderful idea. It sounds like something we were trying to do. The conflict we found ourselves in a few weeks ago was that Robin found out he stretched his boundaries to far. So he started to pull them back. I got scared that in the end he didn't want the whole love more than one person thing. I felt treated dishonest because I did everything we could think of to make it work. The dating nights, and talk talk talk about everything, reconnect to each other, read the books, make good plans, take our dynamic life to the therapist, etc.
Now I can see that the moment I felt angry was that I lost my patience and understanding for Robin. But of course that was his problem, because I felt exactly the same. Another thing that made me even more angry were the people in our environment that told me that I should stop it all because it would kill our marriage. I felt so judged and unseen, that the angry feeling stayed.
Right now I am afraid of Robin making the same mistake by taking a compromise to the negotiation table, and then I start to compromise of course. I don't want that to happen.. That's why I'm a little afraid of the suggestions you did. Because it sounds like the right thing to do. But the right things to do turns out the be the wrong things two weeks later. And then I feel angry again.

I will talk it through with Robin in the evening. I can write more, but I'm running out of time.
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