May I give a suggestion from my heart?
(Joyce, I know Robin has read a recent thread about my situation, please feel free to also or ask me questions if you'd like to know
I find that sometimes "boundary lists" are created with one person thinking "this is all I can handle" and the other person thinking "this won't be enough for me".
Both are probably correct AT THIS MOMENT.
But-a boundary list doesn't have to be a "forever it stays this way document".
Would it be possible for each of you to make your own lists-then come together with a "suggested time schedule" for getting from one to the other?
"no sex that requires condoms" is one end of the spectrum "unprotected sex" the other.
Can you lay it out with what goes between AND put a schedule to when each level will be reached so that instead of jumping from "nothing" to "everything" (and back again) as emotions surge,
you can take it one step at a time?
What I hear (which could be wrong so bare with me) is Robin saying that he feels as though you have date nights with J but he's lacking time with you.
Can the two of you schedule 2 date nights with each other each week also?
One thing I pictured as an optimal scenario for me was being able to have from 4pm on one night until noon the next with BF, then having from 4pm-noon with DH.
The other thing which seems to REALLY help is to schedule "reconnect time" for the 2-4 hours after a date with BF. That time is devoted to spending with Maca-NOT talking about my date; but talking about US. We might take a bath, share back rubs, go for a walk or a drive, something we can do together and talk also (not a movie). That way we can reconnect and there isn't the sense that I went on a date and "disappeared" from our life.
I posted a couple days ago about schedules for building relationships, privileges to go along with that etc.
If you want an example to work from you might check out my blog. The address is in my signature.
Also the book "Opening Up" has a LOT LOT LOT of suggestions on things to consider when trying to create a PRODUCTIVE boundary list.