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Old 01-09-2011, 06:31 PM
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Joyce Joyce is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 12

Dear Midwestmama,

Wow, it is amazing how likewise our stories are. And also very different, of course.

An introduction to my dynamic life:
This week my husband asked me to choose between himself and J. (my second relationship for almost 5 months). Because he couldn't take it anymore. What I totally understand because we were losing each other.

The feeling I felt when I saw the letter he gave me was a feeling of being not understood in the idea of true love for more then one person. The choice is valid from a monogamous point of view. From a poly point of view, there is no choice. The one example that comes the closest to the loving-more-than-one-person for someone who is mono is to choose between two parents. That is not possible in the heart. Of course, it is possible in a practical way... But I don't think that would makes us happy, in the end.

I told my husband that I couldn't make that choice. The hard part is that my husband is my primary relationship. So, it is not completely fair that there is no choice. There should be a choice.
But it would be denying myself, and I can't do that.
And another important thing is that J. and I promised to never let our primary partners have the power to end our relationship. It only stops if J. and I want it to stop. J. and I needed that promise to feel safe, trusting and secure in our relationship.

At the moment my husband and I are looking for options that work for us all. In the meantime I'm not seeing J. because I want to focus on my husband. I think that is a wise decision for now.

I don't think you cheated. You believed, and wanted to believe, that it was ok. to Love the other husband. And being in love usually doesn't help to see things in a realistic way. Maybe I do understand the way you feel right now. Something like: That in the first place it was ok., and now it isn't, that is confusing, and maybe sometimes it even feels dishonest. But it still is reality for you that you also love the other husband. You can't put all that wonderful feelings back where they came from? Can you? Well.. I can't.. in my situation.
And your husband really believed he could give you that, and now it turns out he can not.. Wow, that is hard for him too..

Double trouble is appropriate.. I guess.

Good luck. I hope there is a solution that will make all of you happy.
Thanks for sharing your story. It helped me a lot, reading your story. I do hope you can find some understanding, because I honestly don't think you are nuts...

I'm not sure if the things I wrote are clear, I'm still improving my English, so.. You can always ask me to try and write things in a different way.

Maybe, we can find some support in sharing thoughts with each other.

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