Originally Posted by nto
So any advice? I'll take advice on how to deal with my jealousy, my insecurity, the guilt I have over her feeling so bad, her feeling so bad, or anything else you care to give advice on. I have no idea what to do, say, or how to fix myself or help her.
Well, I'll try to toss out a few basics that might help you get started.
1. Jealousy.....is a fear based response. In these affairs it's usually fear of loss - someone we care about. Understand that you can't or shouldn't hold anyone captive. Nothing good can ever come of that. If people are connected on the right levels NOTHING can change that. If you're NOT connected on the right levels, and can't get there, nothing will keep you together in a happy, loving condition.
2. "Loving" someone (as opposed to possessing them) means caring for their condition & happiness. Having that love returned to us depends on them witnessing this genuine caring and actions associated with it. The more we love the more is returned to us - in some form or another.
3. It's not uncommon for us to confuse sympathy/empathy for love. Far to many relationships get started from these confused seeds. These relationships frequently develop into co dependent, destructive relationships. We can't fix/heal the world. All we can do is try to lend a little assistance from a distance. I mention this because from what little you've posted I would question her motives in connection with this other guy. He may be a decent person but is her attraction driven from a desire to 'fix' him ? That's a tough call - to be honest with ourself (and do the honest soul searching). But it needs to happen.
4. Guilt, in this case, is very premature. I doubt that any lasting damage is done and what there is is not your fault. The cover is just coming off the pan in a dark room. Everyone is stumbling around trying to follow the scents, not even knowing what is cooking, and there's going to be some stubbed toes or black eyes. Everyone and no one is at 'fault' - YET.
Try to do some learning, talk lots, and leave room for some mistakes. Inject as much solid fact & logic into the situation as possible and try to remove as many emotions. Emotions cloud judgement and right now clarity is vital.
Good luck - keep us posted.