Guilt over boundaries
We first became poly because she was more attracted to women as a rule, and she didn't know if she could deal with just being with a man for life. Fine, women, for whatever reason, don't make me jealous. No big deal.
Fast forward about 4-5 years. She starts feeling more attracted to men. I explain I didn't feel comfortable with this, it triggers jealousy, and intensely too. Fists clenching over what I recognize is just over nothing.
Well, she had been talking to a guy, and wanted to try a relationship. I am trying really really hard to get over my insecurity, so I tell her the best I can do is not tell her she needs to stop. They aren't officially anything, as far as a relationship goes. She goes out with him a couple times, and I don't handle it well. It gnaws at me. It grinds into my brain. Her phone goes off, letting her know it's a text, and I am on edge. I drink through it, though. Both the other guy and I feel shorted on time, which doesn't help, since she is in school and has a job.
Fast forward a little further, she tells me she loves him, and I damn near have a breakdown. I don't know how to deal with it. She saw how much it hurts me, and we both know there's no good reason for it, I just have no idea how to process it. I've considered everything from just saying whatever, go ahead, I'll deal with my own problems or I won't, and that's my problem, to moving out, to just drinking more. I don't know how to deal with it.
Anyways, she's planning on ending it. She's as depressed as me about this now, and I feel terrible, since it's my insecurity and jealousy making her miserable. I don't know how to deal with it. Adding to the fun is the fact that the other guy is already depressed, even before he knows. He drinks too much, depressed statuses on facebook, all that fun stuff. She's already worried he'll hurt himself, even before he knows what's up (although he does know about my issues).
So any advice? I'll take advice on how to deal with my jealousy, my insecurity, the guilt I have over her feeling so bad, her feeling so bad, or anything else you care to give advice on. I have no idea what to do, say, or how to fix myself or help her.