I've been reading on here for awhile but until today I haven't been able to register. So... Here is my built-up, pent-in confusion.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We met when I was married to my first husband and became friends. Nothing more. My husband died and I started dating this husband a year later. About 3 years ago we began swinging and for the most part it has been a positive experience. Most of our friends are also swingers. We feel very comfortable in the lifestyle, though we don't swing often.
2 years ago we met a couple in person that I had been friends with the wife online for awhile through a swinging site. We met up with them @ multiple events, without playing. After a year my husband and that wife had sex together. No problem. (We all agreed in advance). I spoke with the wife and husband often. I am very social, my husband barely speaks to me... He does not communicate with others. He's an engineer if that explains him.
In Feb of last year I realized I had feelings for the husband. However, I told myself I was silly, I couldn't have feelings for him. We continued to talk often. His wife is poly and my husband said he'd NEVER be ok if I was poly. Oh shit.
Well, I'm here on a poly site, so you can predict where this is going. in July the other husband and I both admitted we love each other. Both of our spouses know too. Mine said I could no longer speak to him. So I stopped. Then he said he could tell how hard it was on me, and if I kept him in the loop, he'd deal. Several times after that, he'd struggle with it. We spent the weekend @ the other couples house, just to be friendly, no sex. My husband tried hard to control things, like how much & often I could talk to him, what we could talk about, etc... (He lives several hours away so seeing him wasn't an option anyways). My husband would take my phone and read it when I set it down without asking. He changed the settings to record conversations I had with the other man without telling me. Etc... I finally said in a long letter to him basically, this man is my boyfriend and I love him. But I can't handle it if means that you treat me like I'm less of a person because of it. Either your ok with it, or you're not. But I can't go back and forth like this. BUT... If you say I can be with him you can't take it back again. It will hurt too much.
He thought about it for hours. He decided that it made me happier than it bothered him. Over the next few weeks things were going so well. He said things were getting better for him. I finally relaxed, let go, and freely fell deeper in love with the other husband.
A few weeks later... Out of the blue my husband starts sobbing, said this was killing him, and I could never talk to the other man again if I wanted to stay married. That was a month ago. I cut things off immediately with the other man.
I still miss him and want to talk to him so much. I'm bitter and distrustful of my husband. He had told me many times over that he'd never say I couldn't be friends to that man, even when he'd say we couldn't have sex.
My husband has not softened this stance. I am not begging him to, I have self respect. However, I've tried to talk with him about how I feel like I am pretending now to be someone I am not. He said I can be poly, just not ACT on it. ???
I had never heard of poly before this relationship, but it explains a lot to me about my past.
So... That was long and drawn out but I want to include everything that may be relevant.
We have other friends that are poly and they have a friend who is a therapist. He said he would be open minded about poly so we are going to go to him probably. But I am terrified he'll just say that I was cheating and how to heal from it.
Where do I go from here? How do I un-poly myself or transform him? (By the way, he has said before about how he thought this friend of ours could be his girlfriend...)
Thanks in advance. I apologize for any typos. I only can type from my phone.