Originally Posted by erithacus
That didn't work very well either. My wife felt like I was controlling her life, that I didn't allow her to be herself. She said she wanted to feel free to do what she wants. I could see that the feeling of being controlled hurt her very much and started bringing back memories of traumatic events of her past. This did her no good, so I capitulated.......
The big problem is that I have some unresolved childhood issues that manifest themselves very intensely at times. These issues revolve around insecurity and feeling abandoned. Right now, I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I think I would be able to work with this whole new thing of my wife being polyamorous, if only I didn't have these old issues cropping up and turning me in to an emotionally unstable mess. On the other hand, it's very hard to work on these issues, because they are triggered so very often and I don't feel that I have a secure and stable basis to work from. I've asked my wife to go slow with this, to give me time, but then she feels controlled and not herself, which causes _her_ to go off the deep end emotionally......
I think you BOTH have some more healing work to do before you become involved in a healthy polyamorous relationship(s)! I've worked with many sexual abuse survivors who feel like any boundaries or limits set are "controlling" after so many years of them feeling powerless over what happens in their lives. It's almost at the exact opposite end of the continuum of "Power/Control-Personal Empowerment-Powerlessness". It's still a "re-active" response to life. The same is true for many individuals healing from abandonment issues.
Both sexual abuse issues and issues of abandonment tend to fall in the psychological realm of the development of "Autonomy and Intimacy". Health and healing is a balance of being comfortable with Autonomy (feeling capable, confident and secure with one's "Self") and Intimacy (feeling capable, confident and secure in connecting with an "Other(s)"). You might want to ask your therapist about some of this if it hasn't already been discussed. I wish you both well in what can be a challenging healing journey.