currently I have sort of hijacked the situation by stating that if she does not put her relationship with J on hold, I want us to live in separate places for a while. She has agreed to not seeing him for three weeks. That gives us some time to figure things out.
We're now trying to get clear what our needs and wants are. I think it'll be very useful to compare those and see whether or not they are compatible. For both of us it's hard to figure out what we actually need and want, and to specify that clearly. I mean, she has already told me that she wants to have sex with J and that it might become a need eventually, but if "eventually" turns out to mean "in two weeks" I think we're through quite quickly.
Thanks for reading. Sharing helps, even though it's probably a very mixed up story on the receiving end