Well, if I remember correctly, the original meaning of the word libido roughly translated to vital/life/personal energy. Of course, the meaning has changed over time, and on average it's meaning has come to be the frequency that someone wants to have sex. In my mind, libido means something in between, sexual energy. Someone with a high libido has a lot of energy for sex. More like a higher capacity than need. Of course, it's fun to have that capacity filled, but it's not always possible/practical/realistic/whatever.
I understand this is the beginning of a lot of work. I've just received a couple of books from amazon and reading them has been running me through a massive labyrinth of confusion and discovery. I find so many things that I've thought and believed for years but aren't really common. Like feeling positively when my partner receives attention from other men. In my mind it's simple. If she loves me, our relationship is strong, and we have frequent open communication then why wouldn't I feel happy that she's receiving attention? And why can't it be vice versa?
On the other hand, my wife is realizing feelings of jealously that she never expected. She's . . . well, territorial for lack of a better word. A few days after the evening that me and my friend made out, my wife didn't want to see my friend. Not because she was angry with my friend, but because she felt that her space was threatened. I know that she problems with self-esteem and we've been working on these for years, so in a way this isn't terribly surprising, though I'll admit I hadn't realized that I was part of her territory. At the moment, we're just working on bringing things out and talking about them. There's a lot of weight on both of us right now.
I am happy to note though, that we got past one of our stumbling blocks. Me and my wife both have strong personalities and so when push comes to shove, we both push back. This manifested itself when I wanted to learn more and she wanted to learn less. I wanted to talk about it and think about it and read about it and she wanted to pretend that nothing ever happened. We ended up pushing toward opposite goals and the more that I tried to get her to look at things, the more she felt I was trying to drag her into something. The more she tried to avoid the topic, the more I felt like I was something unacceptable. It was becoming a struggle where things were simply polarized. However, at some point I realized this and just shut my mouth. Without me pushing, my wife rapidly ran out of struggle and we have been having much better mutual communication.
I also realized something that was subtle, but a fairly profound shift. I've been struggling with a lot of guilt, especially for the upset that my wife had been feeling. However, I came to the realization that I didn't choose polyamory, any more than I chose monogamy. Nothing is set in stone, and while there is serious confrontation at the moment, it is a chance for growth. Realizing this has made me feel at ease with not knowing what will happen. My wife asks questions like "Are you saying you want another woman to move in?" and all I can only say that I don't know any more than she does. All I can do is be honest about my feelings and interests. It was a terrible feeling, feeling like I was dragging my wife into something while not knowing what that was. Now I realize that I'm just learning to express parts of myself that I've always felt guilty about and that there's no way for me to know the future.
Anyway, there's today's lengthly addition.