I am in a sort of triad that is slightly unbalanced, but is still new and thus forming. I've been with my primary for six years, and with my secondary -- well, this time for 10 days so far. I met my secondary (let's call them Pam and Sue respectively, because that's kind of cute) when I was 9 years old (Im 26), so we have a little background. We got back in touch last September-ish after "going out" on and off for maybe 3 years from 4th to 7th grade, then briefly hanging out again during college. Feelings developed quickly (or long dormant feelings reawakened, who can tell?), and we carried on a very innocent little romance, primarily online and via telephone only ocassionally meeting in person (she lives two hours away -- not so long that we can't get together, but long enough that we cant do it often). We didnt even kiss until January. She was/is married at the time, and so after we spent the day pawing and kissing each other she became withdrawn, and we broke it off. A few months later, she started on her divorce. She moved out, is living with a friend now, and has her initial separation hearing in a couple of weeks (this is wonderful -- her husband an emotional abuser, though, to be fair, I've always assumed he's just unhappy, like she is, with the situation...they're married because after a few casual encounters she got pregnant, and neither one of them really wanted to be in the marriage). Now we're back in touch, but with a lot more, you know...sex. Like a lot. Really making up for lost time there.
Pam and Sue are friends now. Both are wholly okay with the situation. Pam is actually way more okay with this than I could have asked. She's more okay with it than I am, and I'm really the focus of the whole thing. It's not a true, equilateral triangle here, because Pam and Sue arent involved with each other. They're aware, and consenting, and they're even friends. We had a wonderful day together yesterday at our lake house watching movies and making dinner. It was perfect in every way. The perfect little picture of polyamory. We were the poster children for the lifestyle.
Here's the thing: I know it's bizarre, because while the two of them wouldn't really identify as poly, I do. I'm the one in the center of this. They have their own free wills, of course, but they're more or less doing it for me. But...I'm feeling weird about it.
I know, right?! They're fine, and I'm
the one feeling weird! This could be for a number of reasons. Sue is the first girl I've had sex with since I got together with Pam. I love Pam so much that it is beyond "love." It's not really even a romantic relationship anymore, though I do still have those feelings. She's just a part of me. We aren't married, but we're what a married couple should be. We're one. So the other thought I've had is that the fact that the sex Sue and I have had has been independent of Pam could also be the cause of it. After the first time with Sue, last week, Pam came home from work and I told her about it. She was excited, and we talked, but I ended up hugging her, with tears in my eyes, saying "I really wished you were there." So maybe I'm just feeling her absence and it makes me feel bad. But there's this feeling in my stomach that is hard to describe, but if I had to compare it to something, it most closely resembles guilt.
Pam is happy about the relationship. Sue is happy about the relationship. I'm not going to say I'm not happy about it. No one is getting hurt, and everyone is taken care of. So why should I feel guilty?
Maybe it's because I've been brought up, like most of us, to believe that a relationship is a bi-partite system? Maybe I'm desperately afraid that, as cool as Pam seems to be with this, I might still hurt her? Maybe I'm just weirded out by being monogamous for six years, then suddenly plunging
into a sexual relationship with someone else?
What is my problem, and how do I move past it?
HELP POLY FRIENDS!