Originally Posted by Ceoli
I'm not saying that it's wrong to have rules or anything like that. I'm just saying that I don't want to be involved in such a situation because it would probably end up being a very unfair situation for me as the person outside of the couple (whether I'm dating one or both of them). I would rather not bear the brunt of the issues that they're trying to work out. When entering a relationship, I don't want to be the tool a couple uses to work out the issues of their poly explorations.
Fortunately, I don't have to because I choose not to be involved in such situations.
I also think it isn't always about being established in poly for the couple, but it is always about being established as a couple. The couple that I'm dating now is very new to poly, but because of the security in their relationship, it creates an open and secure situation for me.
Well, if one is with an established couple wouldn't they have their own rules within their couple about finding someone ...? and then change them once they know what rules you have..... I hate this word "rules"... boundaries, expectations, considerations, these words seem more suited somehow.
I too would be very skeptical about coming into a relationship that is going to dictate where I fit into it. It sounds like you have experiences that have left you resentful about this. I am feeling resentful about this because my husband and I work very hard at making sure we are okay and that our relationship with Mono is okay. I know we call it a "V" but in terms of our commitment to each other we are a triad. Sure there is no intimacy between my men in the touching sense, but our "V" works because we all have rules together now.... this has changed with time and continues to mature and establish itself. In the beginning my husband and I needed our own rules to protect ourselves from people wanting to be with us that didn't work. We exercised these rules recently actually as a male friend of ours wanted to start a relationship with us. If we hadn't of had some rules around how to approach this we would be in a different place now.
I agree entirely with you Ceoli, but I want to be sure anyone reading this realizes the importance of having couple rules/goals (poly established or not) that change and grow when they meet another that works for them in a triad. That's all. It's not all about the third coming in and what they want, but about all three.