Who is Monolicious?
I am a 42 year old monogamous woman in a wonderful 20 year marriage living in New Zealand. We also have two teenage children.
Two years ago, my husband came out as poly without having any infidelitious relationship. He just discovered the concept and knew it described who he was and how he wanted to live his life. At first, I honestly thought it was a passive way of beginning to prepare me for divorce.
But as we began to look into poly, I could see that it fit his outgoing, deeply relational, extroverted personality to a tee. We continued exploring what poly would mean together. We spent 18 months reading, processing, talking to poly folk and researching. There were times when I was utterly terrified. And other times when I was excited and enthused. One thing I was always sure of was that I loved my husband, that he loved me, and that we both wanted to remain together and fully who we have become.
At that point, we decided to include our children in the process, as they were old enough to sense that "big changes" were afoot, but we thought their guesses or imaginings about what that was would not include poly, but be much scarier than the truth.
My daughter struggled (and still struggles) much more than my son, but we have kept them in the loop and encourage then to share fears, thoughts, input and questions with us all along the way.
In July/August of 2010, my husband developed a relationship with another woman (also mono). We started as a V with me having very little contact with her except to navigate guidelines/expectations.
A couple months in, we experimented with a triad, but it quickly became apparent that I am primarily mono (and so is she) and poly doesn't work well between all of us. I pulled back and we resumed the V which is working very well now. Their relationship is probably beginning to wind down for other reasons (ie- she really wants a mono relationship with marriage and kids). Still, as our first foray into polyland it has been a good and educational experience.
My husband is very much enjoying a life where he can pursue every and any relationship that sparks his interest to its natural outcome.
I am growing in my understanding of my husband, poly, and my own monogamy. Yes, I am monogamous and my husband being poly doesn't negate that. I still get to choose how I do relationship. I do not consider myself "less evolved" for living a relational model that I excel at and has rewarded me throughout my life with good relationships. Nor do I consider poly less than monogamy. Each is a relational model with pros and cons, and each serves certain people better than the other.
I won't pretend it has or will be easy, but it certainly encourages personal and relational growth.