There is so much going on right now its hard to get here to update.
My friend is okay, I think. I texted her just now and she hasn't answered... that isn't unusual though. We had a lovely women's meet of 17 women and she got a lot of support. There was a lot of complaining about the system and how it doesn't work that kind of made me feel like I was at work
but I suppose people have to vent. I just kind of block it out now and find the root of what can be done. I don't think there was much interest in that though, so I have backed away and will check on things every now and then... other people have stepped in that want to listen and be there, so I don't feel I am needed so much and so intensely...
Leo and I are struggling... he and his wife are doing well, me and my partners are doing well as a result of some work around communicating and setting boundaries around that and other things. but there is lots left to do.
He and his wife communicate differently than I do and that is where the struggle is. I think it's important that everyone be involved when there is a love interest of any kind between two people that have other partners. I think that it works better, and have experienced as such. It just seems to work better to talk to everyone and be sure that everyone has had the space to talk, even if they don't want to and don't need to. Leo and is wife do not think this way. Then again they haven't had an experience that has led them to think differently because they have been hanging out with swingers.
They think that they should talk together and that if something comes up then Leo will let me know. I don't need to talk to his wife and further more he would prefer, or she would prefer, not sure which, that I don't. It makes him feel uncomfortable that I am uncomfortable and he wonders if I trust him. I do trust him, but that isn't the point... I don't trust her because I haven't heard from her, even when I've reached out and sent an email. I know she has been jealous, I know that she has struggled with me at times anyway in the last two years and I would like to think that she would be open to working on that, but she isn't interested, or scared, or.... I don't know what, because she doesn't want/feel the need to talk about it.
I think it is going to keep me at a distance from him actually. He told me that he tells his wife everything that we say and do and that makes me uncomfortable also. I like some element of privacy in my relationships and I don't think our relationship is her business... at least not every detail anyway. I tell him some really private stuff about myself and I don't really want it repeated... I have noticed that when I see him again after talking to him about things that are private that he has formed an opinion and pushes me in such a way that suggests that he has talked about it. I suspect with his wife... I know how his mind works enough to know that what he says later might not of entirely come from him and him alone. Does that make sense?
Really it just seems that he is very new to all this. I tried to explain last night that in poly it isn't about a couple that goes out and does poly. It's about people going out and doing poly... they may have partners that mean more or that they rely on more for specific reasons... but "the person" is an individual. He has been used to swinging where it is couplecentric and everything comes from that and returns to that... I am asking for something entirely different. I really don't think he gets that or understands it.
Part of me wonders if he thinks its worth it if we aren't going to be so close that sex is involved. I wonder that too and no doubt everyone else does also... I am so unsure where the lines are because every relationship I have had like this has ended up being bonded with sex. I feel that bond for him, but without sex it almost feels like the commitment to it isn't there. I can't commit to the longevity of it.
I am curious to see what happens next but really I am rather frightened. I am getting in deep with him in a connected way and really fear being hurt.... He says that he loves to be with me, loves everything about me and the sex doesn't matter, he would anyway... he is in it for the long haul as that is just who he is. So is this something I trust also... blindly? That is a lot of trust for a woman that is used to being in control and dominating that relationship dynamic to a certain extent... he is asking that I submit to him I think... at least it feels very submissive and I am uncomfortably curious about that at this point.
I don't know if my heart could stand to be broken again after so many times I have trusted and made myself vulnerable... but, what else can I do. I don't live a life that keeps me sheltered from things like this... I never have. I will severely regret it if I don't allow myself to just trust and keep positive.