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Old 01-06-2011, 03:37 PM
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Polymonial Polymonial is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Los Angeles, California
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monolicious View Post
You see how happy she is and you think you might be able to find that, and you might. I think it is a VERY IMPORTANT question to ask why you are suddenly seeking another relationship when you never have before, when you identify as mono, and you haven't fallen in love with anyone. etc.
You are absolutely correct, I do see how wonderful a poly relationship is for my wife, and I want the same thing for myself. I've been in love with at least one other person during my marriage but I would never have acted on it or even admitted it to anyone... doing so would have been considered morally wrong. And I've met other people ('tho not that often at all) that I've had an instant, deep attraction to, not just physically but emotionally, but I would always put up walls for fear of falling in love with that person.

That said, I think most monos have had the same experience, 'tho perhaps may have succumbed to their emotions and had an affair. For me, I couldn't image being anything but faithful, and even in a poly relationship, I would only want polyfidelity.

So does that make me a mono or a poly? I don't think that's enough data to tell yet. The real question (for me, at least) is if I can love multiple people in a sustained, long-term / lifelong relationship. It sound like a lot of work... much more complications in a poly relationship (due to the increased number of people). I like things easy... like ME! LOL Time will tell.

Quote:
Originally Posted by monolicious View Post
You have also run into another division of poly. There are people who believe you "fall into" poly, just like you fall into love. It isn't something you choose or seek out, it is something that chooses you. You discover and manifest poly when you fall in love with more than one person at a time. This is how your wife found poly so she believes that it should work that way for you.
Yes, this is a BIG TIME issue, and perhaps the biggest sticking point for my wife. She is ok with me having an OSO of my own, so long as it's a love-at-first-sight accidental chance encounter type of thing, that I wasn't looking for it, but I just happened to find another soulmate. The idea of me proactively dating people or looking for another soulmate just KILLS her!!!

On the other hand, I can't get dating out of my head, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I've been in a mono structure for so long, I'm starved to meet other people. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go sleeping with them... but I want to get to know them, have fun, go on hikes or other activities that my wife doesn't necessary enjoy as much, and if something does happen to spark up with someone, then be able to explore it further.

Quote:
Originally Posted by monolicious View Post
As for how much info/access your wife is asking for when you resume dating. That is pretty much what I ask of my husband. In our marriage we always share everything and that was one aspect I didn't want to lose when he became poly.

That being said, I started out needing that kind of close/detail/constantly informed but have begun to move away from needing that lately. I've just become more comfortable and my need for it has lessened. I suspect that this might be true of your wife as well. Once the newness wears off and her fears have been consistently addressed and processed, she may be able to loosen her hold. Just be prepared that each new relationship (and step) comes with its own new issues though.
Interestingly, while my wife is (kind of) ok with me having an OSO of my own, my wife's wife isn't. She is very mono, somewhat jealous whenever I spend time with my wife ('tho she's good about it), probably wishes she could have my wife all to herself ('tho she would never act on that because she respects our marriage and family too much), and definitely doesn't want yet another OSO (other than herself) added to her/our family!

Furthermore, while my wife understands her needs to have two partners: one man and one woman, she doesn't understand why I would ever want to be with two different women. In her mind, that would mean she's insufficient for me, that if she were a better match, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. She has a lot of fear that I would leave her for someone else, and jealousies that the OSO would be "better" than her in some way: age, activities, etc.

I've comforted her and continually reinforce to her that she's my soulmate, that I love her unconditionally, that she's wonderful and I love her deeply, with all my heart. She is perfect. And if I fall in love with another woman, none of that changes... she is still my soulmate, unconditional love, perfect. I think she understands that on some level, given that she's living it herself right now between me and her wife. But at the same time, I know she feels her situation is different than mine (i.e. she's bi, I'm straight) and feels that I should be satisfied with just one woman (as she is).

Quote:
Originally Posted by monolicious View Post
I'll say it again. SLOW DOWN. Poly is not a sprint, it is a marathon.
Agreed. Admittedly, I've never been patient at anything. My relationship with my wife went at light speed as well when we first met, as has everything else I tend to do, be it learning scuba, rock climbing, my work, etc. It's probably why I make a good executive at work, because I go deep/intense into a subject but also move quickly and decisively. That said, I've had to learn to "hide" how quickly I'm learning something new... or learn it solo... to prevent inadvertently burning my wife out on the subject as well (such as when I was learning to sail). I'll try to slow down more, but it's hard and sometimes has the reverse effect!

Last edited by Polymonial; 01-06-2011 at 05:32 PM.
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