So what I have a hard time wrapping my mind around, particularly when I see how great they are together, and how much they share... is what exactly do we have that he couldn't have with her plus some more? We have time, a history together, and a pretty good rhythm. But we also have the issues of a more mature relationship. Managing the finances, communicating, finding time together as we pursue our careers, and now we have this new poly thing that we are navigating though.
I try to tell myself that if we both enjoy being together then that is enough reason in and of itself to establish a relationship. But it's hard to feel 100% secure in the face of all these changes. I do see this as a positive time of growth for me. When I'm not so freaked out that I'm crying and have so much anxiety that I can't sleep... My identity is changing. And my picture of what our relationship should be. I see many benefits to that but it's so scary as I figure out who I am and what we are. It's hard not to fear she is the better more compatible version of me (the wife). it's hard not to fear being replaced.
All of this made it hard while she was here because the only thing we knew for sure was the present. So I gave above and beyond what I might consider my boundaries were the circumstances different. I would have asked for more time for my husband and I to re-connect in between their time together. We played every day by ear adjusting for her schedule. It's possible they won't be able to see each other for another year.
they both see themselves together forever. He wants it to be all 3 of us living together. She doesn't know and is still figuring it all out. She loves him and doesn't want to see him hurt. She knows I've been struggling with this and that V and I have some things to figure out about us. She is here sort of doing this because she is so in love with him but she doesn't know if she is ok with the poly thing more long term. We get through her feelings slowly. Really she's gone through so much so fast.
I have told her several times that what she wants and feels is very important to me. If she's uncertain about all this then that is ok. If she ultimately decides that this isn't for her then that's ok too. So it's scary for me. She has shown a lot of care and respect for me and for my relationship with V. But what if she doesn't want this? What if she is waiting for V and I to move on from each other? What if she can only conceive of relationships in this manner? She is younger than I am and has a lot of stuff to figure out. I try to give her space and time too but I wish she could give me more answers.
What if he decides to leave me for her? I would never ask him to choose. To be honest I wouldn't want to know who he would choose. When I first learned about him and her it had only been 2 weeks and he didn't think he could let her go at that point. They have only learned to care for each other more deeply. I would feel guilty asking him to choose and seeing him ripped to pieces in the process. I've made peace with so much of this poly lifestyle that I used to think was beyond me. Like telling the family, and raising kids... I just trust that when we get there we will have the skills to navigate it and I have accepted myself and the lifestyle I want to live. But I want to be happy and at peace about who I am and what V and I have as well. I don't want to compare or feel threatened. I want answers. Aside from being afraid of being left behind I'm afraid that I won't be able to overcome my insecurities and will go crazy. I'll be miserable and I'll push V away to with the emotional roller coaster. he had a hard time seeing me hurting. And he feels helpless with me anymore cut I've looked to him to fix me yet nothing would console me because my fears were literally eating me alive from the inside out. I don't know what else to say at the moment. This is where I'm at- What i'm trying to figure out about my life at the moment.