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Old 01-06-2011, 03:48 AM
oklawildflower oklawildflower is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5

Hope no one minds that I took my time to reply. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. So I've been re-reading the comments and other posts and working through my feelings.

The first thing that I want to mention is how much I appreciate everyone's responses and having a place like this to come and figure things out. I realized long before I visited that I needed a community to support me in this journey. My next step is to look for a group I can meet with physically. I live in an area where I imagine I could find what I'm looking for...

I'm very concerned about privacy however. I've mentioned that I am a teacher. My lifestyle decision could definitely cause me to lose my job if it were known. This is also true for my husband. That is the other reason I haven't written. I'm struggling with what I feel comfortable saying. I know I would feel more liberated by opening up a bit more. our situation is unique. lol! Like all of these situations, and I know I would feel a release of some of this pressure. Plus if there is anyone out there reading this who is in a situation like mine they would feel less alone...

I've almost convinced myself to open up At any rate I read a few things in different posts that really resonated with me. All 3 of you guys mentioned the NRE thing which I get cognitively but felt completely blindsided by even though I could have defined it and identified it as well. I'm laughing at myself a bit right now. It's the difference between knowing about something and experiencing it. That - "oh so that's what they meant." feeling. That's been my experience as a first year teacher as well. the first year is supposed to be hell. You are completely overwhelmed figuring it all out... You think "I knew it would be bad but I didn't think it would feel like this..." And then eventually without realizing it things start getting better because you adjust and become stronger.

I'm getting that same lesson with my first steps in this poly thing too. Sometimes it's not so bad and what my husband has with N doesn't threaten me. I can sit back and be happy for them. Not always by any means. And to be fair some of the pressure has lessened since she had to leave. So I hope I'm getting stronger and not just postponing the next round...

But her being gone adds a new dynamic. I get to watch my husband ache for her while she isn't here. There will be weeks at a time where they won't be able to communicate at all because of her job. There is no certainty about when she will be able to visit again. So I fully expect this whole NRE thing to last forever and for us to cycle through it every time they get together. My husband and I went through this ourselves for years during our relationship because we also had frequent separations due to his profession. Getting together is sweet and like falling in love for the first time. Again. I just hope that I get more comfortable with it.

I think my issue is not them but me. Once I am more secure with myself and my relationship with my husband I won't feel threatened by the two of them. Right now I struggle not to compare everything they have with what he and I have. Literally she is everything I'm not. And her interests line up with my husbands.

For example they like to hunt. I was traumatized by my one experience hunting... they are in the same profession. My husband has never been able to fully relate to me about his job. There's a lot of it I don't understand- the nuances/ his frustrations at work... I get some things. We have been together awhile. They are both into MMA. I don't mind watching but I'm not a fighter. period. They smoke the same brand of cigarettes. I don't smoke. Dummy me I tried. I felt like I ate fire. Bad idea. She's a tomboy. She wears Mostly t-shirts and jeans. He likes to wear her shirts when she's gone. And her hats. They are both rebellious and had/have difficult relationships with their mothers. They laugh because their mothers are very similar. And their fathers... I was your stereotypical good girl growing up and I still am in many ways. They are both more experienced in the typical follies of youth. Sex, alcohol, etc... My husband was my first boyfriend and my first love... My first everything. They both love animals and have a way with them. I don't have that desire to connect with animals in the same way. We own 3 ferrets and I would honestly have to say that N and my husband have bonded with the ferrets. I care for them and clean their cage but I don't play with them the way they do. Or much to be honest. They both have a hard time opening up about their feelings. I love and need to talk about my feelings. A lot. I think that sums it up...

It's hard cuz it makes me wonder what my husband "V" and I have. Really everything that I felt was unique about us, all the things I treasured aren't unique at all once we stepped out of the mono thing. I placed a lot of value and derived a huge part of my identity out of my marriage and out of my role as the wife. I never planned to marry young but it happened. I recently graduated college. I was proud to be a young and happily married college student. I liked not being like the other kids. I had friends in my classes but I also had close relationships with my professors. I didn't do the dorm room wild party college thing. It took me awhile to develop an identity outside of my marriage. Pursuing my major helped with that but until recently I didn't realize how much of myself was still tied up in that ideal.

As for V and I, we don't have a lot in common, but our relationship works because of the way we relate to one another. He has always felt loved and appreciated by the fact that I am just here. And because I'm not like "those other wives" (his co-workers wives). I never get angry or blame him when he comes home late or when he has to go out of town on business. I know he can't leave until the job is done and that the travel thing is part of it. I've sacrificed a lot for us. But now with N he has someone who does the same thing and gets his job far more than I ever will. So what's so special about what I do? Also I get that he likes to use the computer to wind down by playing video games. So I give him lots of time to do that. Ridiculous amounts of time. This makes him feel loved. I watch TV with him to spend time with him. I rarely watch it on my own. We sometimes eat dinner together depending on our schedules. If I were getting my 8 hours I would actually be in bed before he gets home most nights.... He doesn't expect me to cook. he's happy with his favorite cereal. Sometimes I cook but I've never gotten into it. She likes to cook. He listens to me when I need to talk. This happens a lot. In our current phase of life we have less time for this sort of thing. It has nothing to do with N. Schedule incompatibility. he's given me a lot of freedom to discover myself. That's how we started down this road with me discovering another side to my sexuality. Also he made sacrifices so I could pursue my career. That's what we have. And our roughly 7 years together.
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