Working on a Solution
My male partner and I had our regularly scheduled time on Monday night. During that time, I read the following to him regarding where I currently am with the relationship:
I do not believe my feelings or viewpoints are of any significant concern to either of you.
INSTANCES starting with most recent:
Brought H to UFC event without considering it may have been my new yearís celebration quality time with you yet no invitation was extended to me to spend any time with you on nye nor accompany the two of you to your nye festivities
Did not seem to want to mention new yearís eve plans
As much as being considerate of everyoneís personal and/or quality time has been discussed between you and I, you have not made it a point to ensure the same consideration is extended to me during my quality time with you
All of a sudden, you state youíre bad at responding to emails (though the only emails you have conveniently overlooked contained items you obviously didnít want to address) yet previously you didnít have any problem responding to them whether it was by email or accessing the email and addressing each point during my visit
It seems to me that you intentionally make sure you do not share any of the general goings-on in your life and/or relations hip as far as activities or just casual conversation goes with me yet you seemingly share every intricate detail of my personal life and our relationship with H
Last time you stated you loved me, in any form, was mid-November which was in response to me telling you as I prepared to take flight via text. Last time you verbally stated you loved me, in response to me telling you, was the second week of November. Last time you stated you loved me, in any form, of your own volition was Ö?
I think my interactions and expressions have been misinterpreted seeming to give you two the impression that my overall interest is overzealous or completely absorbed. I think that has affected the viewpoints and development of the relationship. Of course, Iíve always been good at making people feel special and like I am completely immersed. I believe thatís exactly how people should feel in relationships so I make it a point to constantly express my appreciation (compliments, favors, & trinkets) and my feelings (consistent verbal/physical confirmation & in-depth conversations) because we all could be in someone elseís life versus where we are and itís important to show that we are very aware of that but sometimes people can become presumptuous due to their own perception
I understood that I needed to be the assertive one coming into this relationship but, after six months, I wonder why I still am the one, pretty much, initiating everything. It doesnít give the impression that you are Ö interested Ö whether it be conversation, sex, etc
*************End of Instances*********************
I think you desire the attention and pampering from other people but not so much the other components that come with that interaction
There is more to being poly than the ability to love more than one person in an intimate way. You have to have the desire and ability to create and maintain balanced, loving, open, and honest relationships with each partner. You also have to understand that, whether all partners are involved together or not, each must be considered and respected separately, as well as, collectively.
The mindset shouldnít be if your primary is secure and accepting then all other partnersí security and feelings are of no real concern and that is what it feels like the dominate mindset consists of.
You choose to attempt to practice hierarchical polyamory (giving partners rank) but donít really understand the purpose of identifying partners as primary, secondary, tertiary, etc. It has less to do with the depth of a relationship and more to do with length of association, living arrangements, legal unions, and combined investments (property, children, finances). With that said, no one relationship, regardless of placement, should blatantly overshadow another, in substance, unless that is the mutual agreement and, even then, it becomes more about non-monogamy than polyamory.
I believe the poly lifestyle is attractive to you because maybe itís a graduation from the lifestyle youíve been participating in for years or maybe you truly are capable of genuinely loving another individual but, until you see that the development of a new relationship with an additional partner consists of the same honesty, effort, expression, and perseverance utilized in your previously developed one-on-one relationships, whether all parties are involved or not, AND realize that balance is just as golden as communication, there will always be a struggle in maintaining those additional relationships
If you have any suggestions or feedback, IĎd like to hear it.
With all of that said, the converation went much better than I expected. I had played the future conversation over and over in my mind throughout the day and expected it to result in me gathering all of my lingering belongings shortly after my arrival, never to return. It didn't go that way though. We actually spent about 3-1/2 hours talking. A break is what I told myself would be best, though, I knew a break wouldn't do anything for me but provide me the opportunity to drown myself in work and exercise as I try my best to just move on. I came to find out that a break wouldn't be beneficial for P either so... we are still working on how to fix this. We do want to continue but I think he is just having problems finding the balance since this is his first experience. He doesn't want to hurt anyone but he also wants to be sensitive. The problem is...he has to find out how to be sensitive to and considerate of all partners' feelings and desires. Everyone cannot get what they want all the time and he is going to have to accept that and implement that into his and his wife's thought processes.
He expressed that he didn't even think about New Year's Day or what that might have meant. Part of his dilemma, in his view, is the fact that I really don't celebrate holidays so he didn't think of it being a big deal to me. I explained to him that it was more about having my own quality time with him outside of our regular place since that was a rarity and providing time for us to celebrate a new year together since he does acknowledge such things.
We shared a lot and was able to gain a different perspectives on some of the topics we had been pondering but I am still trying to figure it out.