Originally Posted by euclideanparadox
I'm not looking for another relationship. I'm realizing that I could have one. All my life I've been deluged with the idea that any man who is interested in someone other than their partner is a cheating bastard who can't keep it in his pants, and any woman who looks at someone other than their partner is a dirty whore. I've been going through internal hell because I honestly believed that I was a bad person for not understanding why people couldn't have more than one consensual, loving relationship which may or many not include physical intimacy.
I have been through a monogamous marriage (15yrs)...(it was hell - not because it was monogamous but because the husband WAS a cheating bastard who couldn't keep it in his pants (as well as abusive), even when I KNEW he was cheating, he would still lie about it and try to hide it, even when I told him it was the lying that was killing me, I offered to open the relationship... that would have meant I could get some outside action/support/eye-opening...(oh - and I was the dirty whore for suggesting such a thing) so - out of the question. Just to be fair - I accept my own responsibility for having stayed and tried to make it work (many and varied reasons - some good some idiotic)....
Not sure exactly what I am trying to say here - but that paragraph rang bells big time for me... almost like you plucked the words out of my head
Perhaps simply, if our partners could remember that as much as this is difficult for them - it is difficult for us too... maybe we do have the bonus that it resonates with us... but we have the perception that we are the bad guy (at least at first), that we are being selfish, that simply by admitting how we are... we may lose people we love, for no other reason than being who we are... that's pretty huge to deal with. (not in any way lessening anything our partners have to deal with... just commenting on an aspect for us 'newbies')
The adjustment to 'this is ok', (even though it resonates in me) has been difficult. Now ... my next step is to help my partner get to 'this is ok'... then we can hopefully step forward together to 'this is good'
However long it takes, we can do this together... I can be me, he can be he and together we can be us... a stronger and better us.