Originally Posted by FlameKat
So am I now correct then in what I think you are saying?
That you are saying that you would only apologise if:
The offense was intentional (in other words; that 'in the moment' you meant to be offensive) - but you then regretted it later.
that you would also only apologise if you agree that what you said was offensive (that you, yourself, understand how you offended or were offensive) and you feel an apology is deserved by the other person?
That if you didn't mean to offend, or cannot understand how you offended, you don't feel an apology *or at least explanation of your viewpoint* is warranted?
and if I may be heard clearly....
I am GENUINELY trying to understand you, It is very rare for me to come up against the sheer difficulty in adjusting to your communication style. It bothers me to have this difficulty. It may be that you simply 'rub me the wrong way', but I would like to think this is just a hiccup and all will be well.
I am glad you are genuinely trying to understand me. I think this will clear things up and please don't take any offense as I attempt to be as frank and honest as possible.
I have given examples of why I don't apologize every time someone claims to be offended or hurt, and I think I have explained the reason for that quite well.
I have said that I believe in taking responsibility for my personal reactions and that I believe that others should do the same. (I don't assume the blame for their feelings.)
I have said that I think if a person is offended that they should not blame the source and that they should search themselves for understanding why they were offended.
I have said that I believe that to apologize insincerely is dishonest and empty or meaningless.
I have said that I believe that what might offend one person may not offend another person.
I have given examples of how people will play manipulative mind games of guilt and blame with each other to extract apologies so they can feel right and powerful --and how I learned about that through my own experience.
Yes, perhaps I "rub you wrong," but if you really want to understand what I mean, try reading what I am saying as it is written without any preconceived ideas and take it at its face value and meaning.
Every situation is different, and I said that if I feel that I have made a mistake, realized it, and was truly sorry and regretful I would "break my neck" (an expression) getting to the person to apologize, THEN I would vow to change my evil ways and become a better person.
I don't say things like "I'm sorry" or "I love you" in a causal manner or just to be polite, or just to manipulate. I say it when I actually feel it sincerely. I take those words seriously. I feel that to use them often and carelessly diminishes their meaning and value.
I might say "I'm sorry you were offended" (if I believed you really were) but I would not say "I'm sorry I offended you." The latter is a guilty plea that implies that I agree with you that I am "being offensive" -which I don't believe.
As it went down I was not sure if you really were offended or if you were just playing the game of trying to extract an apology so you could feel right. I'm still not sure if you were truly offended or just playing the game because you said that it would be a waste of your time to explain to me WHY you were offended. Yet you seem to be spending a lot of time time trying to understand why you were unsuccessful extracting an apology from me. This appears to me that you are merely working hard to understand why the game you play did not work. Of course I could be wrong about that.....
....So if you were truly offended
and you are in need of an apology, I am truly sorry that you were offended. However, I can't change my evil ways and become a better person because I do not believe I was being offensive. I can only believe that you took offense for your own personal reasons.
In my heart of hearts I was trying to be helpful, and if you were instead not helped but only offended I will admit that my feelings were hurt by that, but I take responsibility for my own feelings, so I don't usually tell people when my feelings are hurt. Its not their fault and It is not my intention to try to extract an apology.
I hope this is clear. I don't know if I can get any clearer.
The simplicity is that I would apologize if I sincerely felt sorry.