First off, I'm really grateful for all your replies.
The second pregnancy was an accident too - I felt so dead that I didn't even think I could conceive. I guess from my side there was a fair amount of subconscious desire for a child going on too. My husband saw the pregnancies as a negation of our commitment to work on our relationship, a negation of him and he didn't have the guts to talk to me about it. Both of us made mistakes though his mistakes are the ones that society condemns.
I have struggled to reach this position where I refuse to accept that these three women are rebaptized as poly and all is right in the world... I've been trying to find your story LovingRadiance but you've got a lot of posts and blogposts.
My husband does love me, and as I affirm my position I think he's realizing that he will have to let go of these women if he wants to stay with me. That's tough for him, sure, but the more I move over to his position the more distanced I become from my own. The entire context of this adultery - 6 weeks after our wedding (a more spiritual, loving and non-traditional wedding you could not find!), the miscarriage and the grieving that I was going through, the horrible way he treated me during this time, Xmas at my folks with him at my parents' computer every two minutes with them, me learning about it the night before the amnio (which carries a 1/100 risk of miscarriage) - was nothing short of traumatic. I was suicidal at one point. I certainly wasn't feeling any of the extra love radiating out from poly love. That I came back from that is a testament to the love I feel for my husband and recognition of my own failings in our relationship. I'm ready to change our relationship to a poly one (leaky breasts and stretchmarks anyone?
) so that my husband gets all the love and attention that he needs. But why should I be the only person picking up the tab? What does he sacrifice? If I accept his deal his life continues just as before only better coz he doesn't have to lie anymore.
When I envisage future poly relationships I would like to believe that I will be able to feel kindly and benevolent towards the other people my husband loves. I can't do that with these women. They had honorable choices : they could have said 'Vin, I'm so attracted to you, really want to jump your bones but please, sort your shit out first. I don't want you this way.' And my husband also had honorable choices...
My big question is whether this a 'normal' request in poly terms, that previous adulterous relationships get 'upgraded'...
Keep talking! I'm listening!