I'm baaack, did ya miss me?
I've given a lot of thought to things and after talking to Panda last night (I'll get into that in a bit), I've decided to come back to blog. Because even if she does read it, even if she is upset by anything I say, what's the worst that can happen? After last night, the worst would be her walking away, but she promised to talk things out, and I think I forgot that about her. As for my fears of other people I know reading it, ehhh, I don't like it, but I'm me, take me or leave me.
So here's the most recent developments in my ever drama filled life:
Karma and I split from out Darkon Country last night. There was a lot of disrespect, a lot of power tripping, and a loot of people just not caring about other people. The end for me was the vote to bring back someone we had voted out. He did nothing but cause drama, put people at risk physicaly, and F'ed up ppr work so bad I've spent a year fixing it and I still don't have it all straight. But he's the brother of two memebers and they want him back. SO I stated if he comes back I am gone. The vote went down with a bunch of drama, and away I went. I won't be a part of what is happening. Karma left shortly after.
He felt I was disrespected, that they would rather have a dead beat piece of shit than me. But he also realized that there are a lot of difference in what he gets out of Darkon and what they do. He's competitive. He's my gothic jock. They don't want to strive to get better, they don't have the desire to win.
So there was that.
Then Panda and Karma got into it (her husband founded the country). She said some pretty hurtful things, so I sent her an IM telling her I hoped she knew how much he loved her. We were snippy for awhile, because I thought she was being a bitch to my husband. eventualy some things were said and she asked when I thought she changed, when I thought she stopped caring about people. And I was bluntly honest. I told her I stopped confiding in her becuase I was sick of always defending myself, and even then she didn't listen to my defence. She seemed to know me better than I did, or so she acted. She made out with my husband, on my birthday, and lied to my face about it. She hid the Cricket thing from me, she was one of the many who knew before I did and she promised she would tell me, as I her, if our spouses cheated and we knew. She started expecting people close to her to act a certain way, yet wouldn't give the same respect.
She was hurt. Mainly becuase I had waited so long to tell her. But I told her I had needed to calm down before I brought it up, and when I was ready, she was in the midst of moving. I didn't want to add to that.
Eventualy our talk came down to her wondering why I continue to put up with her, if I was that upset. When I told her I loved her, and being upset didnt negate the love, she acted like I spoke another language. Apparently unconditional love really is that rare. And that really hurts, but that's a whole 'nother rant.
So we went through thinking she was the worst friend, and didn't deserve me. Little did I know what I find out a little later, would make question if she did.
Karma and I were all cuddled up and ready for bed after a day FULL of drama and I told him, I always question if they slept together, no matter how many times he says they didn't. And the bomb was dropped. He told me he went down on her once, but that was as far as it went. He told her husband, but yet again I was left in the dark. He said he thought he has told me, and that just sounds like an exscuse to me. A way to tell me without getting hit with lying.
I had a moment of breakdown.
I am SO SICK of the surprises!!!! As soon as everything starts flowing and moving forward, WHAM! I get hit wit another. When does it end!?!?!?! When does he run out of things to tell me!!!?? So I made him write them all down. No more I thought I told you. No this is what you told me, right here in writing. Your writing.
By that point I was so exhausted I just went to sleep. Cried to sleep, with his arms around me.
So this morning we talked about Karmas talk with Pandas husband. More their screaming match, over why he left the country. Somewhere in there Mr Panda told Karma that he had changed. And that it had happened when he met Cricket. Then he said I had also changed. For someone who always agreed with my being upfront about shit, he obviously had hung onto that for awhile. He basicaly made it sound like Cricket was the reason we had changed and the reason we left the country, and the reason for anything else he thought of. Well I've been saying it and I'll say it again. We have changed because of her. We're still married because of her influence in our lives.
I'm still amazed that Panda spent all that time sharing our bed, being that close with me, and all along she was holding those secrets. That really hurts. The one female I had gotten that close with, and that was what I got in return.
So yeah, a lot to process. A lot to think about and figure out what I'm going to do with.