Loving and Understandinf Part II
As time went on I kept mentioning my difficulties as they would arise; but tried to stay calm and trusted that FlameKat would discuss with me if she felt anything was getting out of hand. During this time there was also elevated stress while we prepared for the court litigation to gain approval for Flamekat and her children to move to Canada. I did start to notice that Flamekat was more distant during this time and there were a few moments that I would wake during the night and she would have left the webcam going. I would see her smiling and laughing while chatting to someone; I'd type into the chat window let her know I woke up and after talking for a bit; found that she was talking with T. I started waking more and more in the middle of the night; and to feel that FlameKat would be sad/distant during her time online with me and appear happier when chatting with T. I struggled not to let my insecurities get the better of me and continued to try and express how this was making me feel to FlameKat. Part of what made feeling this way so difficult is that there are no two people I trust more in the world than FlameKat and T. I found two sides of myself fighting back and forth several times. I didn't really hurt or feel my trust was broken until FlameKat told me that she mentioned to T my anxiety with the how much they were chatting. This upset me because there were already moments that had arisen that she could not share with me what they talked about because they were personal to me. When she told him that it felt like there was no consideration for what I tell her in confidence ... that telling him this would have caused friction between T and myself.
After that T did because more distant from me; which upset me more because I knew the frequency he was in contact with FlameKat. I was hurting on many levels; especially that my friend of 25 years could not talk to me and could share so much with my girlfirend ... even after saying himself it was wrong that he spoke with FlameKat more than he did me ... that is even considering the added difficulties to communicate to her. With the time difference FlameKat and I have to make accomodations to be able to stay in touch daily; when T started communicating regularly; he would do so not to inturrupt my time with FlameKat... so would be chatting from midnight to 7am frequently. The fact he could put this effort in and avoid my attempts to reach him ... hurt more than I realize even now.
Then with no real answers to FlameKat's or my questions; T called me and after trying to convince him not to ... he decided that he couldn't speak with either of us anymore.... but wished us both all the happiness....
Since then FlameKat and I have been having many difficult discussions; trying to figure out what happened; sort out how we feel and try to understand one another. We have become the stronger for it ... I do know in my heart we can work through anything together ... she fills my heart, fires my soul and I thought the sun & moon were unmatched in power, before the first time I looked into her eyes. Sorry if I made anyone gag ... lol
Since this all began with T things have been very emotional and its been tough for both of us. One of the things that has caused me to make things more difficult is that I view giving ones heart to an individual; that gift being unique and not to be duplicated. I can understand loving many individuals and the ability to fall in love with more than one individual; but if someone were to become to close to me in an attempt to be romantic when I have given my heart to someone already ... I would make it clear to that person to stop and if they wouldnt ... I would cut off communication completely. In the past FlameKat had responded on her own accord just as I mentioned above; with a friend that was interested in more with her despite her relationship with me. Because of that previous moment I suppose it made it even harder to comprehend what happened with T.
- I know that I love FlameKat and she loves me, and not any less than before
- I know that we both love all our children deeply and know that everything we need to acheive to bring our family together is worth every effort.
- I know that we want to be together forever
- I know that still have the trust, faith and devotion to one another we always have
- Because I know all that ... I know the biggest hurdle I will eventually overcome is the insecurities in my own mind ... the are demons as it were that I have avoided looking at until now ... because now I have someone worth facing them for.
- I know that I have a lot of anger and feelings of betrayal towards T that I still have to work through; and I know that they are likely not warrented ... but they are there.
- I know do know have difficulty with FlameKat loving others and am understanding more each day the idea of loving more than one this deeply.
- I know that I will likely never be able to accept FlameKat giving or receiving physical flirtation with others or more intimate physical expressions ... the pain would be too great; but I know that we respect each enough to respect that boundary if it is approached.
- I know that both myself and FlameKat have many things to learn about ourselves and are still healing from the damage our previous relationships caused. If these moments arise in the future we will have learned more by then.
Together Forever My Love
I'm sorry for any pain I've put you through these past few months
I hope this was an ok attempt at laying how I feel on the table
There is nothing I will not face by your side