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Old 08-29-2009, 09:10 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652

Hi, and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you and your wife are really going through some "stuff." My heart goes out to you both.

My Flakey Friend, I'm going to give it to you straight: your wife is not ready to consider polyamory, and from your description, sheís not going to be ready any time soon. It sounds like she is struggling with some pretty hefty jealousy and control issues, which often stem from deep-seated insecurities and a lack of self-esteem. I urge you not to press the polyamory issue at this time. Rather, if I were in your situation, I would gently and lovingly insist my beloved address the insecurity/self-esteem/jealousy/control issues by whatever means necessary to move him/her toward better mental health, both for his/her own sake and for the sake of our relationship. Counseling and therapy might be very helpful, depending on the root cause(s) of the dysfunction.

Originally Posted by flakey View Post
So I think eventually im gonna have to separate from her, at least for some time . . .
I donít blame you . I couldnít live indefinitely under the conditions you describe, either. But give the matter serious thought before you take any action you canít take back. Like my ol' grandaddy used to say, "Measure twice, cut once."

Originally Posted by flakey View Post
. . . because I see how beautiful she is inside and I wish she would see it herself also and be free.
but she has to be the one who does the work needed to see her own beauty. No one can do it for her. You can encourage her, help her, support her in the difficult challenge, but you cannot fix her problems. Only she can do that. I hope that you will help her and encourage her as she works to find her way to solving these problems.

You sound like an awesome guy. I hope your wife realizes this, and wants to do the work to be happy herself, and to strengthen your marriage. I wish you both peace and joy, whatever you decide to do.
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