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Old 01-04-2011, 02:51 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

For me, i.e. that I have freedom to go at my pace, not theirs.


PRECISELY! Therefore, I don't feel like it should place an expectation upon me to build a relationship with her at the same pace as theirs goes. And I don't feel like the boundary rules we have in place should be changed (which is being requested) so that they can do things which haven't been allowed previously.


Not yet, but there has been a huge push to "do away" with several of the safety and family dynamic guidelines.

Yes, and in our case there are 10 of us in the household. Since she is wanting to participate as a full-time part of the family, that's more relationships than
I think you are being pretty clear headed about this - really. If maybe a BIT defensive that could come across as controlling to someone that might not know you well.

Where I think the confusion might lie is in the definition of 'relationship' vs the physical realities of how various interaction have to be managed.
How can I make this clearer................

When anyone is in that intense emotional state (NRE/whatever) certain physical realities seem to slide to the back of awareness. We just want to be in the 'glow' ! Wherever/whenever.
But in reality that's seldom possible. Your situation is a perfect example. (I read more - especially in regards to the overnights/being put out of your own bed etc). You have a very tight, integrated family situation and one that's bordering on overload already. Everyone on the 'inside' can grasp that pretty easily. Even most of us on the outside can.
But from her side, she's all wound up about the new relationship and can't see the trees for the forest. Probably never had any/much experience in this type of situation and, pardon the pun, can't see beyond the bedroom walls !

Maca, he's suffering temporary blindness because of the NRE. Especially susceptible because of the difficulty of finding someone who's even open to this type of arrangement. I'm sure he's scared of her 'getting away' (because of complications).

Although it may be frustrating to you, if you look at it another way - from a distance - it's almost comical. I'd try to keep it light if possible right now.
Just try to get everyone together, sit down, and remind them all that despite the current intensity of the new relationship (which you understand completely), there's certain realities that still have to be worked around if it's going to work. Someone new - ANYONE new - can't just land smak dab in the middle of something like this and expect to be immediately integrated the same as others who have been there for years. It just doesn't work like that ! They are welcome (potentially) but there IS time involved because it is new dynamics and new physical stuff has to be figured out.
It's nothing personal at all ! Just this complexity we all talk about so much. Things have to get figured out and worked through.

We just had a similar situation I won't go into here. That desire for immediate/instant integration and the disappointment that things just can't work like that. It's kind of a wake-up call. But it is reality.

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