Originally Posted by sage
This is a big issue I want to address on my blog and I'd like some help from you guys please. New Years Eve was the last straw. I spent it largely trying to convince my son-in-law that I'm not a victim in a relationship with a guy who is "getting to have his cake and eat it too" (hate that saying).
Dang wife, beat me to posting.
I appreciate the compliments.
It's funny because listening to some of the questions TP's father and others had asked her, they were leaning to the idea that I had initiated this relationship and pushed TP into it. In fact, I was the one who finally gave the green light after discussions with TP about opening up the relationship.
I suppose I would label myself neither as Poly or Mono, but as Poly-curious...if I can add even more terms to the forum lexicon...basically I have been looking but then as TP mentioned I have not found...so I guess at this juncture I am Mono by default rather than choice...
That being said, TP posted long ago that I could take or leave Poly, and that's true. But I suppose I have had to look beyond not finding, or finding and then being rejected by potential women or else become wholly despondent with the whole Poly search...and what do I look beyond to? well I used
to be quite a jealous person, and frankly there is no room for that in a Poly relationship, I didn't communicate as much, and I was less secure with my own self (my thinking being if she's going out and coming back to me I must be somewhat appealing and special)... It sounds fairly mundane pro/con break down but it was far from it. I saw how happy TP was after we opened the relationship and I coveted that happiness, but it's been more elusive for me to find. That being said however, because I love her, and this makes her happy, Poly is a good thing.
I have accepted that until I find someone willing to be in the role of an OSO that this is my life as I
choose. I love TP and because of that I will continue to search and if I don't find, I am perfectly happy just being her husband and having a third in our lives. What has made it easy for me to be Mono (by default but still mono) is that I have been allowed to accept things on my terms and my speed. I had a conversation with Mr. A this past week about this, and I thanked him for begin so good and cognisant of my feelings as his relationship with TP developed; he told me that it's what he needs in his life right now because he cannot devote as much time to TP as he would have liked, and he knows she's not going out searching and being dishonest....It's a hard thing to convince someone that you are not a victim if they have a preconceived notion of the lifestyle in their head.
I am reminded of TP's friend who herself was in an open relationship...and I use that term quite specifically to set it apart from Poly because there was no real emotional connection, just sex...she chose to see me as a victim, and TP as hurting me once emotional attachment had become involved. I tried to set her straight that I was not being hurt by the emotional attachment or the physical relationship, but because of her own relationship and background she was unwilling to hear it....so it goes to show you that while predominantly Mono society will portray the member of a triangle relationship with out a OSO as a victim, and the woman as being pushed into, it's not always the case...it just means some people cannot and will not open up to the idea that Poly has fringe benefits for the SO that does not have an OSO.
As for convincing people that I am neither a victim nor in a situation I cannot control, I simply don't anymore. I explain my reasons for being accepting of Poly, and my perceived benefits of it (both if I were Poly and as I am Mono) and if they accept it, great! if not, oh well you cannot convince people of things if their value system is so deeply ingrained that they cannot see beyond a Judea-Christian construct.
I am not sure if that answered anything asked, but let me know and I will see what else I can come up with while at work.