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Old 01-03-2011, 08:39 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

The thing with negotiating boundaries is that you need to compromise until you find the edge of the boundary; the place where if it goes one step further you will be pushed over the edge. When that compromising feeling is gone, you have found your boundary.

I find I ludicrous to stop negotiating with her saying that she wants her freedom and right to do whatever because its her life. It isn't just about her. Part of negotiating is to empathize, respect others feelings and not be selfish. She is not doing these things it sounds like.
When Mono told me that under no circumstance would he stay with me if I added another man to my life I had some hard decisions to make. He was asking me to compromise, and I did. I thought my freedom was taken away from me, my right to do what I want, all of that "need" stuff, but I decided that I would move forward and offer something that I could live. I asked him to compromise. And he did. He decided that he could live with me finding connections with other men (the underlying "need" to be able to connect with people), but not ones that involved sex. We continue to explore this negotiation and still compromise, we may always do this, I don't know.

The point is that no one person gets to call the shots and no one person gets to say what is ethically "right." it has to be agreed upon as far as I'm concerned. Someone in their NRE whining because it isn't fair that they have a partner that is struggling and asking for it all to go slower isn't the one that gets to call all the shots.... This isn't monogamy. In mono relationships there is no boundary negotiation like in poly I think; you get to spend as much time with your partner as you both decide. In poly you get to spend as much time and have as much sex as EVERYONE decides. Not the one at the hinge. At least not usually anyways.
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