December and Ringing in the New Year (2)
These conversations and situations have been like a breath of fresh air to me. It has felt freeing and reassuring. I say reassuring in so much as it has felt right, and I’ve felt no regret or negative emotions at all, in that poly is who I am, not that I’ve doubted it over the last several months, but it has made me feel more comfortable with who I am in being polyamorous., and i am very happy for that.
Getting back to how I rang in the new year. Well it started off great, I was on skype with john, though he rang in the new year 3 hours prior to me, he stayed up to ring it in with me on my end. We chatted and were having fun with some little cards I got for Christmas “Unbelievable Crazy Urban Myths” and “Brain Boosting iq puzzles and quizzes” so those stimulated some interesting conversations. It was fun and shortly after 1am my time we went to bed.
Well the next morning (or later that morning, however you view it, it was the 1st), I was awaked at 9:30 by my dad knocking on the door telling me to pick up the phone. It was Bob. I hadn’t spoken to Bob in voice since he ended our relationship. He had called to ask for the engagement ring back. He apparently can get money back from the jeweller he got it from which he needs to pay for school as he plans to go back at the end of summer. I felt a part of me inside die. Even though in my rational mind I know the chances of Bob and I reconciling are practically nonexistent, still a tiny part of me had held on, and it hurt. We talked for a bit, he asked how I was and I gave him the straight up answer, didn’t touch on my feelings at all, and I asked the same of him then asked a question I shouldn’t have, and his response stung, I don’t know if he meant it to but it did. The end result, he was trying to move on with his life (though that wasn’t the part that upset me). I asked how much to insure it for and was stretching as I asked and he asked that I not cry. I told him i wasn’t but was trying hard not to. Bob asked why, and I started to cry, said it was cuz I still had feelings for him and hadn’t stopped loving him. He said he knew what that was like. In the end we hung up and I will be sending the ring back to him.
I was crying and my mom was still asleep, though I knew she wouldn’t understand. I rang John on skype and he comforted me, and helped me calm down. He told me that as remote as the chance was of Bob and I reconciling, it didn’t mean it was impossible and that sending the ring back didn’t mean it couldn’t happen, just that Bob and I would start over. John did say however that he didn’t hold out much hope for a reconciliation but if it did happen he’d adjust. John managed to help calm me down and cheer me up a bit and most of the day John, Beth and another friend of ours ran around together playing our MMO which distracted me for a while before I had to go for dinner and family obligations. I was rather miserable the whole evening while I was with my family, both dealing with a headache and my emotions from that morning. As a result I was rather quiet and reserved. No one seemed to really notice though I was wearing my ice mask and neck ice pack to help with the headache, so my headache acted as a mask for my emotions. I went to bed that night glad the day was over.
Today I went to the women’s group and had a great time there. I always feel safe and welcomed there, and feel I am amongst friends. So though yesterday was shitty today has been good and I have high hopes and a positive outlook for the rest of this new year.