Maca is the type of person who is either attracted to you or not and if he is, he’ll move to deeper intimacies in short order.
Where I take months to years to build a level of comfort and intimacy that allows for a good, solid friendship or lover; he will traverse that terrain in a few days.
For me, I can obviously tell you if I find a person physically attractive almost immediately. But, I’m not “attracted” to someone just because they are physically attractive to me.
In fact, they might physically meet the criteria of “my type” and still not be attractive to me. They might not meet the criteria of “my type” and I might be insanely attracted to them.
It generally takes a significant amount of time for me to establish if I am attracted to someone or not.
When I say significant, I don’t mean 30 hours of texting or 5 dates or 30 days of instant messaging or email exchanges. I mean weeks, months of getting to know them in conversation and hanging out.
Maca met someone via the internet again. It was the week prior to Christmas. They talked via text and email for a few days, and then they arranged to meet in person for the first time on Christmas Day (we didn’t have Christmas that day and she was home alone). She came over and spent the evening with the family. We played charades with the kids and Maca made a nice prime rib dinner.
The next day Maca told me that he’d like to invite her to spend New Years with us but before he did that he wanted to meet with her to talk and “get to know her”.
He asked me on the 27th if it would be ok for him to make plans with her the 29th after work. She lives in the town that he works in, so it makes sense to meet her after work instead of driving all of the way home and then back again. I told him I thought that would be fine.
The 29th he met her after work while GG and I ran errands. He said they had a great time and that he’d invited her to come out for New Years. He said that there was “definitely a mutual attraction” and that he had discussed with her the need for STD testing and the boundaries/rules of being sexually involved.
That told me that he intended to take things to the next level, and soon. They’ve only known each other in any capacity a week or so. They only saw each other for the first time 4 days earlier and have only seen each other a grand total of twice.
For me, that’s damn near the equivalent of having sex with a complete stranger.
On New Years Eve, I found out that she was spending the night when he told me that the next day when he took her home he had some other errands in town he needed to take care of. I wasn’t pissed and I wasn’t shocked, but I was a bit irritated that he hadn’t said something to begin with. That it was assumed without a word having been said to me.
I should have known-because he was picking her up. There wasn’t any way he was driving all of the way back to town after midnight. But, I honestly hadn’t thought about it.
We have people spend the night all of the time, so it’s not a big deal for people to crash here. Even without notice. But, those people aren’t people that we’re planning to have sexual relationships with. There is a family assumption that those people are crashing on the couch, the floor or the futon.
On his way out the door with Sour Pea to pick her up; he asked me to read a series of texts that they’d shared earlier in that morning, which he had forwarded to me in an email. In that email it was made clear that her assumption had been that they’d be sleeping together that night. He had responded that it wasn’t going to be able to be that way, but was just as clear that he wanted the same thing.
I was really struggling. I ended up curled up in GG’s arms near tears trying to work my mind through the series of events of the last week. But, I simply can not process a new relationship that fast. GG held me, and kissed me, reassured me that everything was going to be ok. Reminded me that while Maca was running forward again, which GG knew left me feeling like I was in the midst of a tornado; GG wasn’t moving at all and he was right there. It would be ok. We made love and I clung to the solidity of his stationary soul. Not without telling him that what hurt the most was feeling so disconnected from Maca. He reminded me that our connection was solid-and given time things would calm down with Maca again, allowing Maca and I to reconnect again.
My mind was reeling before Maca ever left, it had been reeling all damn week. But, by the time he got back I was pretty much so overwhelmed by the speed of his “relationship freight train” I’d found myself traveling on, I had shut down emotionally for my own security. I was doing ok after my talk with GG. I knew he was right, there would be a time for Maca and I to reconnect, but that time wasn’t today.
We all went to my brothers “bash” together; Maca, “Skittles”, GG, Mimi, and all the little Peas. We had a good time, there were about 30 people there, so it was crazy busy, but it was a good time.
The rest of that night and the morning following-I’ve already posted about.
Last night (1/1/2011), Maca and I talked about how disconnected we’d been all week. First we took a bath and discussed New Years Eve and the morning. We figured out where the “miscommunication” (hard to call it that, cause it was a total lack of communication for the most part) was.
Then we went on to discuss the “disconnect” between us and how to resolve it. Specifically, the need for him to let me know if he was going to be busy talking online or texting and to let her know if he was going to be busy talking to me. That way he’s not asking me questions and then interrupting to answer texts while I’m answering-which leaves me feeling very unimportant and trivial to him.
Mimi had explained that the issue wouldn’t exist were we all in person together, because if he asked me something the other person would automatically pause whilst I answered. That even on the phone this is generally true. But texting and instant message doesn’t allow them to hear when he’s talking to me, so they haven’t a clue if they are interrupting or not. THANK YOU MIMI for helping with that explanation.
So, today we’ve spent hours talking about the boundaries that are in place, the ones that should be in place and the “how to’s” of them being able to progress at their pace in their new relationship whilst not stomping all over my toes.
There’s a billion details. But, the hard one is quite simply the whole point of this post.
I’m just not as fast as he is. Fortunately, neither he nor she is expecting her and me to be lovers. But, there is a desire for a friendship. I concur that it’s VERY preferable that OSO’s be friends with their metamours.
The problem is that I simply don’t make friends with anyone at the speed that their relationship is moving. It’s not a part of my nature.
So, how do I “manage” my tendency to fail at setting in place the necessary boundaries I need now? One of the boundaries I need is the freedom to build my friendships at my pace. How do I put that boundary in place without slipping into Maca’s tendency pattern, and doing something that would inhibit them being “real” and having “security” in their relationship?
This is the question of the day for me. I have found a few small answers. A few basic boundaries that will help me with the security I need in my relationship with Maca. But, I haven’t found the precise solution to how to protect my need for privacy from someone who isn’t yet a friend of mine, whilst allowing them to have a deeply intimate role in Maca’s life..........
"Love As Thou Wilt"