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Old 01-03-2011, 01:18 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 65

Originally Posted by meyesekrit View Post
Hello all,

First time poster, but I so enjoy the feeling of support this site offers, I wanted to weigh in.

While I consider myself new to poly (in an open marriage to mono husband) I find that it's not just women who have that reaction. My OSO and I have been seeing each other for just over 5 months. I have been (and would always be) completely open and honest about being married. And my OSO has very firm ideals that my marriage must always come first. He is divorced and says he couldn't handle being the cause of putting another couple through that experience.

While he is willing to pursue a relationship with me, unlike the women who are not willing to even try, E (OSO) has told me straight out he won't "allow himself" to love me. Says it's a a reasonable self protection stance. Perhaps feel like the marriage will always mean they will be hurt eventually.

Personally, his reticence is hurting me. I can see he cares - it's there in so many ways as we deepen our relationship - but I don't know that I will ever hear it. And being new to poly and the one who "has the best of both worlds (husband and lover)" I wonder if it really is unfair of me to want to push his objections aside.

Any others faced his reaction?
The word "love" to some people has a lot of baggage attached to it. In relationships it could mean monogamy, or ownership, or commitment. He will love you, but he does not want to love you in such a way to want to break up your marriage and take possession of you. I would let him handle the relationship in the way that works best for him, withholding that kind of possessive love that society expects of us. Yes, I think it is unfair of you to ask or want him to profess his un-dieing love for you. That might go beyond his comfort zone and it could cause problems. That's just my opinion on the matter.

Last edited by Olderwoman; 01-03-2011 at 01:21 AM.
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