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Old 01-02-2011, 04:22 PM
Andy4700's Avatar
Andy4700 Andy4700 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Southern Minnesota, USA
Posts: 56

Thanks for the input everyone. I do appreciate it.

Mindfulagony - I like your line about trying to enjoy the connections I make. I was pondering this lastnight in a way. In reality, I haven't been looking that long. And in that time I have made a handful of connections. None are what I want or even close to it yet, but I have met some new people via the internet anyway.

NYcindie- I understand its got to be a bit awkward dating a man with a wife.. but it would be sorta the same with a g/f... any other lover is going to be intimidating to a degree until the potential g/f gets to know me and maybe my wife as well and sees that shes truly okay with things and not going to go physico on us/her. As far as being equal goes.. I will elaborate on that in a moment.

Your other idea on meeting people are interesting.... never heard that said, but it does make sense.... I am not sure how I would make a poly connection in a unrelated group. I don't know if I am bold enough to just come right out and ask a woman if she would be interested in dating me even though I am married. :/

RP- I've been keeping my ear to the ground for any local poly groups. I found a dead yahoo poly group for my city, but there don't seem to be any members active or local. There are some about 2 hours away in the Minneapolis area. Problem is I never get up that way and I am not real up for dating someone that lives there. I want someone I can see in person without 4 hours in a car. Spending enough time with a poly group there, to get comfortable with with the people in it is more in time and gas money then I have.

Starting something local would be cool. If I could meet some other poly people here maybe we could. I found 2 (a couple) on OKC and said hello to both in hopes that we could share ideas and maybe they knew of some resources. Neither replied. I will certainly keep looking.

Your assumptions are correct... too a degree. Whom ever I find needs to know that my wife and I are stable and she can't get ideas about taking her place. This is part of why I think I need to be honest about being married. I am not just looking to date until I find someone better, then latch onto her and move on.

As far as her being loved less, or me being less attached to her... I am not sure I can agree 100%. I don't like superlatives and comparatives when it comes to love, relationships and people. You said something in another post a few weeks ago I really liked. To quote from memory, you said something to the effect that love is fluid, and sometimes you are more in love with the fall colors on the trees then with either of your partners. This is true for me. I always care about the people I am close to, but as far as that "in love" feeling, it really depends on the moment where it is stronger. The secondary would be a lesser part of my life, as the term secondary would imply, but it doesn't mean I would love her less when we were together and in eachothers company.

I think a secondary relationship could offer a lot for everyone involved. Primaries too.
One of the things about marriage is I married my wife because we share some of the very key qualities that will likely mean we will stay married. The same ideas on where we want to live, how we spend money, raising children, religion, etc.
She lacks other qualities I crave. That is life. No one can be 100% perfect. We have to compromise.

So lets say that I meet a g/f that shares my love of intelligent conversation, my tastes in music, can relate to my complicated emotional side, can take my satire and sarcasm and dish it right back, has a different body type or sense of style that I dig. That would be awesome. Even if it doesn't last forever, just having some time to experience that with someone would feel great. It would mean I could more easily focus on the things that are perfect about my wife, and forget we don't share this or that, because I get to share that with this other girl that is close to my heart, and don't have to care that she wants to move to the other side of the world someday and spends all her money on a whim and whatever else she does that would drive me nuts in a one on one relationship. I can gloss over the bad and just enjoy what I love about her. She gets to do the same with me, gets to enjoy a close emotional bond, gets to know I care about her, love her and appreciate her for who she is and am not in it to try and "own" her or just have sex with her. The Primaries get pressure taken off them to be something they can't or don't want to be know their partner is happy, get to enjoy the NRE, ect.

I know in the real world things don't always go real smooth, but in just using reasonable logic, it does make sense in my head at least.

I am rambling on and on... lol Poly comes in so many forms. Mine is maybe "softcore poly" I am just looking to be able to love and move forward with and develop something fun and feel good. Not really looking for anything close to forever, me+you+her kinda thing. I've made so many great female friends in my life that hold me at arms length. I do understand mostly, but would really like to meet one that doesn't, and lets things go further.

Anyway, thanks for the input redpepper. No, you're not snarky. I like you and respect you and your input.

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