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Old 01-02-2011, 04:52 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by MindfulAgony View Post
...take it slowly and relax about the whole thing. Try to enjoy the connections you make - maintain your integrity -and recognize that they will more likely than not fail to advance very far.
I agree with this. I don't know where you are looking, but where ever it is, its not working. So change it. You aren't looking in the right place it seems.

I would suggest going to a local poly meet, or start one up. Make friends with like minded people and find out who you get along with... see what develops out of that.

It sounds like you are looking for a secondary, but one that you will love less and be available to less emotionally, and who will be less than your wife. I would find that really uninteresting as it kind of says to me that I am not worthy of the same amount of love and attention as someone else in your life. At least that is what it sounds like... Is that the case? To be honest, I wouldn't be interested either. Why would anyone want to invest in that? Unless they were cheating and just want sex. Perhaps its your approach?

I get that you love your wife and want to be firm that that will not change and the course of action you have planned with her is set, but it almost seems too firm. Have you done any reading about secondaries? Have you read the secondaries bill of rights? It might be helpful to be empathetic and discover what it might be like to date a man like you. What can you offer a woman in the situation you are in? What reason would she have to date you when she can date someone who wants to create a family with her? If you are not willing to create some of what she needs in life, then what would be the point?

I'm hoping I don't come across as snarky as that isn't my intent... I am hoping that this kind of way of looking at it might help you find a way to someone that suits your situation and lifestyle choice.

I was the secondary of a man and his girlfriend once. We had a great time until the relationship naturally came to a point where there could be more depth and connection if we communicated and moved forward. He laughed at me essentially and told me that what we had was just fun and not worth more. He was actually pissed off that I was requesting more. I was heart broken. Obviously we had not the same intentions of where we were going when we started out. I know now to always ask what kind of philosophy a person has about relationships and what they are looking for so as to not go there if we aren't on the same wavelength. I'm saying this because I think that just by being honest and standing firm on your convictions you will eventually find someone that admires that and is willing to give what you have to offer a try.

Here is a thread that might help
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-02-2011 at 05:09 AM.
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