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Old 01-02-2011, 01:36 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Andy4700 View Post
. . . I was chatting with someone yesterday and we were seeming like we had great potential, until she found out I wasn't just "in love and living with another woman", but were married. She said shes not sure if she'd be okay with that.

Have some of you other married poly people had this happen? How do you handle it? Its hurting my wife because she feels like she is the one wrecking everything, when she's been incredibly supportive and would like to see something progress. She suggested we just hide the fact that we are married, but I just don't like to lie. But honestly, why is it such a big issue?
It goes against the grain of what we are taught in Western society. I am very nervous about meeting the wife of a man with whom I've been chatting online. It's simply out of my realm of experience. It's out of the realm of experience for most people, I would say, to have "permission" from a spouse to date their mate. The marriage license, a legal document, confers a certain amount of authority to your wife. That's intimidating to someone else. Whereas, a girlfriend can feel like there's more possibility of being an "equal" with other lovers of yours, if you were involved only with someone to whom you weren't married.

I think, besides the online dating thing, you might find some success looking in venues or situations that attract "alternative lifestyles." Don't know what sort of communities you have around you, but often the free thinkers in other areas will be more likely to embrace free thinking on sex and relationships. I've heard it be suggested to look at groups or people involved in gaming, RenFaires, co-housing, BDSM, Burning Man, nudism, sci-fi, intentional communities, New Age and other "spiritual" philosophies, etc., in order to meet other poly-minded or poly-friendly people. Have you looked at a variety of Meetups ( in your area, not just poly ones?

I think you have to be patient, too. Finding someone won't happen overnight. Of course, you know that.

Also, it sounds like all might not be lost with the woman who most recently expressed hesitation. She hasn't said she can't do it, has she? Maybe some more conversation with her is in order, and perhaps some interaction with your wife.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 01-02-2011 at 04:06 AM.
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