Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship
I recently posted a long article on my experience so far in engaging in a polyamorous relationship although I am monogamous. I promise this one will not be so long!!
I included the following statement which I spoke to my partner/girlfriend about after.
"Above all, never feel like the polyamorous person has any less to lose than you."
Yes, I will definitely feel a certain loss when she adds a new lover or sex partner..oddly enough, primarily if they are male, and I do apply different "labels" to different types of relations because it helps me mentally organize. (but that is another post!) I always tell myself she will find someone so I am better prepared whether it happens or not. Again this is a tool I use regardless if it is viewed as healthy or not.
I understand the ability to love and desire another person similarly without a reduction for others. I wouldn't be able to look at her husband without guilt if I did not. I entered this relationship with a complete knowledge of who was involved and in what way. I am the "new guy" in my mind. It is the unknown of another "new guy" that will be my challenge..one that I will face head on and with understanding but certainly not without difficulty. I know my weaknesses which will enable me to draw on her, her husband and my own internal strength to overcome them and grow. At least that is what I foresee happening.
Back to my point
I will first deal with loss in the relationship if/when she finds someone else.I will feel loss, most definitely at least for a while until I am again secure in her genuine love and continued desire for me. Will an aspect of our dynamic change? I could lie to myself and say I know it won't but that is not the path to a sustainment of this amazing relationship. Initially - for sure. Permanently..perhaps. She will feel it, see it. I am an open book and she knows when I withdrawal my energy while I process. Does that mean the intimacy of out relationship will end? Absolutely not, not unless I can't handle it. She will love and desire me the same, just like she does for her husband. She will probably love us both more...a concept I struggle with as well. We will grow and she will be happy which is paramount to me.
What if I find someone else? I am intimately monogamous. Not by choice, moral or social requirement. I am monogamous because it is my nature. I require a very specific connection to truly desire someone. My physical passion is directly proportionate to my level of connection and intimate love. I only feel that intimate love for one person at a time, which has been proven throughout my life. I don't want to intimately love more than one person although I would welcome a change in my nature if it meant my life would be easier in a polyamorous relationship. Yes, I would love to be polyamorous or even just have a much more casual approach to sex so I could be more at ease, better blend with the amazing people around, me and just have fun. Who knows..maybe in the future but that is not my reality for now...sadness.
If I form another intimate connection tomorrow it will be at the expense of the one I have right now. In giving intimacy I am all or nothing. Simple and plain. I would no longer be this amazing persons lover or even playmate. I would not be able to share that energy with another unless I take it away from her. She would continue to be my most trusted friend but I would deny her my passion and intimate love. Would this be a malicious act towards her? Absolutely not! Just as her taking on a new partner would not be a malicious act towards me. It would simply be accepting and acting on our fundamental natures. Denial of one's nature is a terrible road to travel as I have been there. Pain is always the result.
So who would lose more is a question of definites. I might experience a decrease of her intimate attention and perceive she loves me less..she would lose all of my intimate attention and although my love would still be immense it would be re-shaped..that is definite.
I said I would keep this short...I tried.
Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-27-2009 at 05:15 AM.