The Darker Side of Trust
A very simple word is "trust," and yet sometimes so very hard to execute.
From the beginning, he always said that finding a third was his goal. When we met, I had been single for about 13 years. I had a good job, the kids were growing up and I had begun exploring my sexual side and finding out who I really was. We seemed to be on the same page when it came to sexual beliefs and openness. We agreed that the primary players would always be each other. That any relationships outside of our marriage would be discussed before anything got off the ground.
"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men."
It was a good plan, but I just did not realize how many potential pot holes there were in that road. How many ways your ego and feelings can get trampled. And it all comes down to trust. Neither one of us really trusts the other. The longer the mistrust festers without care, the more damage is done. I have this picture in my head of a giant ball of destruction, rolling down a mountain, crushing all in its path.
I feel betrayed by some many little things. I can not speak for him, and know that a one sided story never shows that whole picture.
I am caught between giving him a privacy that I don't really believe a married couple has or turning into a jealous bitch that will eventually drive the relationship into the ground.
I know from past experience that just letting it go builds resentment, and we will not survive that either.