Thread: Forever Eklctc
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Old 12-31-2010, 09:42 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default Carrying Over Into the New Year ...

My thoughts are still all over the place but, ultimately, I have decided that I am unhappy with the way this relationship has taken form and I donít believe there is any fixing it. Itís not that I donít want to fix it, itís just that I donít believe my partner and his wife understand the dynamics (I donít think his wife cares actually) and I believe my partner is having trouble knowing how to properly communicate and interact in this relationship now that it does not involve all three of us.

There is a great gap in the lines of communication. It seems that he makes it a point to not bring up anything regarding their relationship or share the goings-on in his/their life unless I ask and, if Iím not asking in person, he usually ignores the question which is passive aggressive behavior. On the other hand, it seems that he freely shares my life and our interactions with her. Explaining to him how this is unfair wouldnít go over too well, I donít think, because of the way he believes he should operate regarding his relationship with his wife (i.e. his primary relationship). I donít desire complete disclosure of all the intimate and in-depth details of their relationship. I understand that he obviously chooses not to confide in me about such things, which is okay; however, it seems like it has never crossed his mind to extend or, at least, inquire about my thoughts in the matter - do I mind if he shares the details of our conversations and interactions with his wife now that we do not associate.

On the other hand, my two nights a week can never just be about Ďmeí. He watches TV, checks stuff online, answers his wifeísí texts, and plays with his cat. There is no assertive interest in me. I mean, going in I knew he was not the assertive one but six months later I shouldnít still have to initiate every interaction. Then, knowing itís my time, his wife calls or texts from work, though, I do my best to not infringe on her time with him. Yes, it doesnít take up a lot of time but, being that I am already not getting his undivided attention and that has gotten worse since she made her decision about the relationship, itís the principle. Then, he always has to bring her up. He has to let me know that his wife bought him some new movies versus he got some new movies OR he and his wife did this or that before versus just saying that he has done that. Of course, I donít believe either of them would understand that point either if I were to bring it up.

For me, pursuing a serious relationship in a poly lifestyle is no different than pursuing a serious relationship in a mono lifestyle. In both circumstances, you have to balance your time between people and activities. In both circumstances, constant and clear communication is necessary. In both circumstances, you must relay your feelings and reassure your partner that you are willing to put forth a great deal of effort to build and maintain the relationship. The only difference is there are more people involved. In my case, our relationships are separate so it shouldnít be so it still doesnít present the difficulties that an all-inclusive poly relationship would.
We are both only partially satisfied in this relationship and I seem to be the only one who shows any concern about the flow of the relationship.

Throughout our association, I have been the only one who felt it necessary to talk about the relationship in regularly intervals. It really irritates me because each conversation came with an important revelation and a turning point in the relationship- changes based on mindsets that had already been present but not shared. That is not behavior conducive to a lasting relationship.
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