What to do with the fear? (envy)
Ah!... with the holidays I have been so busy and there has been no time to continue with my tale. I have read so much on here that poly only works when your existing relationships are healthy...and that totally makes sense. What I didn't expect from trying poly was that my primary relationship may not be as healthy as I thought? Or maybe I am not as emotionally healthy as I thought? I think at this point the latter is pretty much a given.
Originally, while he and I both liked the idea of an open relationship, we came about it from different places. He liked the idea of sexual open-ness but was wary of emotional open-ness. And I wanted emotional open-ness and with that comes sexual open-ness (for me). And to be honest, I think I was willing to glaze over the differences to get what I wanted (namely the original girl). He was not at all comfortable with the idea of us dating separately. I didn't necessarily like it but I accepted it as a reality of our relationship.
After our first attempt I had lost all hope that we would find someone who was interested in dating us both. We tabled it for awhile and then my husband started feeling confident that he might meet someone in his new casual work circle. I was still so jaded I don't think I really took him seriously and I lost some good processing time because after about 3 months he had not one crush but two. His first crush moved away for school rather quickly and it was never really a consideration. His second crush, K, came into the picture about two months ago.
A decided he would like to try hanging out outside of work with her and we had her over a couple times. They had a very flirty relationship which A had interpreted as sexual interest on her part and he broached the subject pretty early on. She responded by saying that she wasn't interested in casual sex and she wouldn't be interested in something like that but maybe if she got to know us better. She seemed intrigued for sure. We continued hanging out and the group chemistry started building. It didn't take too long for me to get interested in her too. I think she is fun and cute and actually a really sweet and deep thinking person and I find that really attractive. But she likes to play coy and that really messes with my head sometimes. Also...
Almost immediately, I was on and off fixated on how they knew each other better and had better chemistry than I do with her and very quickly found myself in the FAIR vs EQUAL internal debate. She and I have gone on a few 'dates' alone in my hopes of even things up a bit but I think that I just need to start accepting the fact that I may be on the lesser equal end of our little group. I am so stressed about this that I often have a really hard time being present when I am around her and I am sure that is adding to things. I overanalyze every freakin thing. Right now I feel like A is the fun and flirty one and I am the uber serious, quiet weirdo and I won't lie, I resent that sometimes. I realize that so much of this thinking isn't healthy and that my low self-esteem is to blame but I just don't know how to shake it. (Wow, that was quite a vent.)
Ahh, lol, this isn't finished by any means but I need to get ready for my yoga date with K. Here's hoping I make some more head way with my shyness.
Thanks for listening poly interwebs.
I am not EITHER/OR, but AND and probably YES.