Originally Posted by redpepper
If a person is not interested in LDR's for themselves then why are they in someway against it? I hear this quite often... anyone have an idea why this is so?
I would most likely not engage in an LDR as it wouldn't be for me, for several reasons including my need for touch, smell, sex with my partner being there, constant life stuff with my partners happening around me on a day to day basis.... la la la... and so on. But I am thrilled that anyone finds and is able to love one another. How they do that is up to them and is worth supporting as far as I am concerned... Go for it. Is that negative though, that I wouldn't/couldn't myself? That I have a different take on it than those that have/can have LDR's? I'm not feeling negative towards it... it confuses me that anyone would think I am... is it because I have a different description of how I do relationships and like to express that so that others know its okay to not want an LDR or even not go into a relationship that might become one?
I find it interesting and confusing that if someone has a different opinion that if they express it that they are in someway against others opinions and ideas of how they want to lead their lives. Perhaps that is a bit off topic, but I seem to be doing that lately. Sorry if it is.
Well since you originally aimed this at me, I`ll take the bait. I`m bored enough today.
It`s funny, because everything you say, I feel equally, except from the opposite point of view. You have many, many, times expressed a dismissive attitude towards LDR`s. Though if someone defends a LDR, you seem to wonder what all the huff is about.
I couldnt give two-shits if you like/dislike LDR`s,..nor anyone else. Really,..don`t care.
I`m going to keep doing what I feel works. The reason this topic is interesting, is because it comes across very much like when parents all remark to their kids how a 'relationship will never fly,...' for some reason or another.
Truth is,..Only time will tell. Proof`s in the puddin' so to speak. Relationships are made and broken on the challenges they face. Those challenges differ from relationship to relationship.
The biggest mantra in successful polyamory is COMMUNICATION. Not touch. Not smell. Not proximity. While those are important, they are nothing if people can`t communicate.
In a LDR, there is nothing tested more then your ability to communicate effectively. If it`s not there, none of the others will save you.
I see many people do just fine in LDR`s, until all the nay-sayers get in, and create doubts in people`s heads. THAT saddens me. I`m a tough bird, and I shrug things off rather well. I do seem to get worried with perception on a general basis though. I tend to want to defend the general concept when it is being portrayed like a automatic sinking ship.
Poly is a community where we are already dealing with a minority in support, so to see people diminish each other further makes me shake my head. Some people then cave to the pressure, of constantly being told that simply due to distance, a relationship wont cut it in the long run. WHY ? Why throw that negative energy at people who might have something positive ? If people want to help one another, why not share with them the mistakes learned ?
Sentences that start with; ' IF I were ever to do a LDR again, I would make sure......'
Are much more supportive and helpful then;
" I will never do a LDR again because__________ and ____ and its a nightmare."
How can people 'sell' the benefits of poly to other people and make statements like "Yes it takes more work with more people. Yes, we talk more and have to pay attention more, but it is so worth it,..'
Yet not substitute the subject poly, with 'long distance' ???
It stinks of 'my poly/way is better then your poly/way.'
LDR`s have been going on for 1000`s of years successfully. They continue in every part of the world, for a variety of reasons. Many a military family deals with long distance love. Parts of history could never of had the outcomes it did, without long distance love.
Regardless of personal style, it is a fascinating subject. How DO the successful ones work ? Why did they work ? It`s the ultimate exhibition of caring energy. To be able to not see, or feel your loved one for a long period of time, yet still feel that loving energy every day !
Its one of the very few examples left in the world, where love can conquer all.
You don`t get to see Derby very often. Does that take away from anything you feel for her ? I am guessing not.
Wether the absence of a loved one is due to scheduling conflicts, or distance, it sure doesn`t mean that the relationship is any less important.
I 'smile and nod' for just that reason. I find the negative attitudes to be personal opinion based, (usually based on a soured history.) and everyone is entitled to their opinion.
preciselove obviously went through a very tough LDR and doesn`t wish that experience on anyone. He asked openly who likes them,...
Where it changes with YOU,..redpepper,..is you come across as quite dismissive of other peoples relationships, if it isn`t your particular style.
2 things everyone knows from reading redpeppers threads. #1-hates casual sex. #2-has no respect for LDR`s.
Ok,...we got it.
I don`t know if thats just how you type, or my perception is off,..but its chronic, whichever it is. You mention that you don`t know how anyone could think you have a negative take on it. I can answer this. I think back to the frustrations I read in your posts when your husband was dating that woman who was moving away. That would be when I first noticed a dismissive air to the posts. Most others all begin with you speaking of your negative experience.
This post of yours, that I am quoting today, is the first time I have read in you, the ability to seperate your personal style, from what works for others. I quite liked this post of yours actually, I am glad you edited it. This sounds really fair to me.