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Old 12-29-2010, 06:50 AM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192
Default Psychology of Security and Shame

Fundamentally, I have huge problems with people who choose to shame you into behaving according to their wishes versus truly trying to understand what you're doing and allow you to the freedom to choose. People shame - not only because it is something they learn from parents, teachers, religious figures, etc - but also because it works so effectively. Works effectively particularly in the sexual and relationship arena.

I won't go into what seems to be obvious manipulation - at least from the telling from your perspective.

Feeling secure once we have given into the emotional risks inherent in very close relationships can be surprisingly difficult. It may be easy to be agreeable to an unorthodox relationship up front when the emotional risk is low. Once you feel like your sense of emotional health is on the line because of the depth of connection with someone, pulling every trick one can possibly think of to avoid the possibility of losing someone becomes "reasonable."

Unfortunately, too many people don't have the solid sense of self that can prevent such desparation in the face of these kinds of concerns. Being able hurt and feel loss while always knowing where *you* are and that *you* will continue to be, is a seemingly lost art.
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“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron
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