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Old 12-28-2010, 11:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,672

Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
That sounds reasonable and I think that is what you should do if it is what you feel is right. Have you said it to your wife the way you said it on here? Perhaps the next step is to invite her to read what you wrote on this forum and maybe she'll want to create her own profile. Remember that she does not have to tell any of US she's your wife unless she WANTS to.

Other than that, the way I look at it is: since you appear to have identified the root causes of her hang-ups and insecurities, there shouldn't be any need for rules that validate them. You two should examine WHY she has those particular conditional insecurities and perceived threats and work on eliminating that counter-productive mindset. Then you can meet potential partners any way that seems natural (dating sites and clubs are not as "natural" as meeting someone through mutual friends, but there is nothing IMPROPER about them) and not be hindered by manufactured external factors so much.
I'm glad you said this Neon. I cringe at the very IDEA of rules at the best of times as it indicates to me a one sided arrangement where no one can move but the one who makes them. When I was given "rules" in my early years of poly I set out to break them, not respect them. Now we talk about what is behind them so that they lose their possesive edge and so that they can be negotiated and made into boundaries instead of "rules." I agree, taking about what the threats are is far more productive after a time than sticking to a "rule." The natural flow should be, as far as I am concerned, to work towards boundaries.
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