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Old 12-28-2010, 05:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I remember once, years ago when I was in my 20s, after getting it on with a guy for the first time, I remarked immediately afterwards, "Wow, it really is possible to be completely incompatible sexually!" He was shocked. I was shocked that he was shocked. Hello? Were you here in the same room with me? I admit, I was way too blunt. But I was incredulous that he was so out of touch, I guess, that he couldn't tell how bad it was. All I remember now was that I kept trying to tell him what I wanted and he kept doing the same thing, like rote work, mechanical, no connection. I had no desire to be with him again after that, and I'm sure my pronouncement wasn't very inviting to him, either. I really didn't understand how he could have been happy with what transpired between us, but I guess for him it was enough to have a warm, wet hole.

Anyway, that experience taught me not to just blurt out stuff like that, but to find more diplomatic ways of expressing dissatisfaction. However, sometimes, it doesn't seem worth it. I don't want to be cruel to anyone. As years have gone by, I've found ways to gently let someone know I wasn't satisfied, and how to do things differently, but it doesn't seem to take the sting out of it for the person hearing it. Recently, I was told that what I was doing with a lover wasn't quite the way he likes it, which has prompted me to obsess about it a little, and made me determined to do it "right" the next time. I also felt a little embarrassed, for some reason, for not being as sexually proficient as I think I should be. These were just thoughts I had and observed in myself. Fortunately, I am not letting them get to me, but it's interesting to see how my mind works.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-28-2010 at 05:23 PM.
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