I suppose it's time to admit to myself that I'm struggling a bit again. Z has left for Australia and I'm here for at least another few weeks finishing off renovations and doing all the packing up, selling off etc.
Of course I'm missing him but there is an underlying unsettledness. There are probably many reasons for this that are not poly related but I think there is a definite poly component which I'm finding really hard to put into words (unusual for me).
It's to do with the level of commitment in a mono/poly relationship. If we were in a good mono relationship I think I would be a lot more secure in it somehow. He's told me over and over that I am his life partner, so much so that I have had to let it go with him. There's literally nothing more he can say or do. So why am I feeling like this?
He has really had to take this job for the sake of his career and the financial support of his kids. I will be worse off financially because I will be living off capital and the exchange rate isn't favourable. Because he'll have a good job he's going to make up the difference and maybe that's the problem. Maybe I feel insecure accepting financial help from him and further meshing our financial life when someone could come along and want more of him than I feel comfortable with.
We've always said we'd talk about anything like that happening and negotiate but maybe I feel that by living, at least initially, with his financial help, I would have less power somehow.
I'm working through this as I write it. I think it comes down to convenience and financial loss. I already took a big financial hit when I walked away from my marriage and I can't really afford another at my stage in life. I know I feel less secure about this side of things because Z is poly.
Poly/mono relationships seem to work well in married situations when there are children and more reason to keep them working. They work well in scenarios when neither party is losing or gaining or giving more than the other. That was what ours was. I think my insecurity boils down to the fact that we will be moving into a situation where he is in a stronger practical situation than me and that scares me.
And yes I know I have hardly mentioned "love" in all this. It goes without saying that if I didn't love this guy to bits I wouldn't even be considering the move. I suppose it's a case of "feel the fear and do it anyway" but if anyone out there can actually make sense of this babble and add anything constructive I would be grateful.