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Old 12-26-2010, 09:11 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I have ALWAYS been the one to instigate sex, pursue it, and be dominant during it. However I realised that I was doing that because I wanted to be liked, and that making sure sex happened early and often was a way for me to avoid forming connections with people because I was afraid. However, because it is ultimately what I wanted, I ended up worse off in the end, and because I had given an image of someone who wanted casual sex without any connection, men didn't bother trying to create one, and those who wanted one just left.
Now, I find long distance relationships to work better for me, because there is no way for me to throw myself at the men and "have my way with them", I have to actually create a connection with them before we can consider meeting up and so on, and so by the time we do meet up, I'm more comfortable with them, and even willing to be occasionally less dominant, despite the fact that it makes me feel vulnerable, because I trust them.
I thought I was being a strong, confident woman at ease with her sexuality, but I realised it wasn't the case, and I really suffered from my lack of control in a sexual context. It was a way, I realise, to hide issues I had, so I want to avoid that at least until I deal with said issues.
Thank you Tonberry for telling your story. I appreciate it because it is similar to my journey and the result of it. I am grateful to you for this feeling of belonging I now feel as a result of reading the above quote. I don't know many people who have had similar experiences and talk about it. Most seem to either push down their fear and are content to live and love one person or remain single forever, wanting to be okay with casual sex and being somewhat embarrassed that they aren't. I don't know what your opinion is on wanting to be okay with casual sex and this isn't the thread for it perhaps, but I for one am glad to say goodbye to that. I am still struggling with my fear in terms of figuring out how to be vulnerable to others and love them with out being possibly hurt by them. I'm very happy that I have made the choice to take sex off the table in that struggle.

I'm pondering the bit about LTRs. Interesting.
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