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Old 12-26-2010, 07:11 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,437

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Here is one of those times I think it's easy to get off track due to language. I'm unsure of your definition of 'casual sex'.
Well, my casual sex was with people I never had any dates with ever, be if before or after. Although I guess I might extend it to any sex without being in love, but then again I might want a third word for that since I do think it is different.
I guess for me casual sex means sex without a committed relationship.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
It's obvious from this that you see your place/role in sexual activity as primarily a passive one.
Oh, no. I have ALWAYS been the one to instigate sex, pursue it, and be dominant during it. However I realised that I was doing that because I wanted to be liked, and that making sure sex happened early and often was a way for me to avoid forming connections with people because I was afraid. However, because it is ultimately what I wanted, I ended up worse off in the end, and because I had given an image of someone who wanted casual sex without any connection, men didn't bother trying to create one, and those who wanted one just left.
Now, I find long distance relationships to work better for me, because there is no way for me to throw myself at the men and "have my way with them", I have to actually create a connection with them before we can consider meeting up and so on, and so by the time we do meet up, I'm more comfortable with them, and even willing to be occasionally less dominant, despite the fact that it makes me feel vulnerable, because I trust them.
I thought I was being a strong, confident woman at ease with her sexuality, but I realised it wasn't the case, and I really suffered from my lack of control in a sexual context. It was a way, I realise, to hide issues I had, so I want to avoid that at least until I deal with said issues.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Situation.....after having sex (finally) with someone you had established a tight bond with and discovering that there was just no way that it was going to be acceptable (many potential reasons for that), how DO you tell them that, without hurting them, possibly deeply ? What words could you use ?
Well, I don't know offhand, but I don't think I could avoid hurting them. On the other hand, if you're not compatible, wouldn't both parties realise that? I don't think you can be compatible one way but not the other, am I wrong?
However, I believe I would still have that strong bond and it can't be taken away, and I don't have a problem with not having sex with that person, and I don't have a problem with them looking for sexual gratification elsewhere.
I guess my words would probably be "this isn't going to work. I feel we worked out better without the sex, so let's go back to that". But I find it hard to believe that if all the rest works out great, we wouldn't have anything at all in common sexually that would work for us.
I take your word for it that it happens, but I just don't get it. So much of the sexual compatibility comes from physical and emotional attraction for me, it's hard to imagine having the two latter without the former.

You seem to talk about lack of sexual attraction in the end of your post. But I thought earlier you were talking about someone who I WAS attracted to, but incompatible with. If what you meant by sexual compatibility was sexual attraction, I feel that you can know about that before having sex. You know what each other smells like from hugging them. You know what each other looks like from seeing each other naked. Things like that, that for me, in a committed relationship, necessarily happen before any sex.

When I met Sean for the first time in person, I was nervous, because I knew there was a chance the current wouldn't flow. And I knew the relationship could have ended if we didn't "work" together, but I don't mean just sexually, I mean physically, if it didn't "click" between us. Still, neither of us would have made a 24 hour trip to meet the other if we hadn't developed an emotional connection first. How does that happen? How do you meet up for the sex so early on? I'm glad things happened the way they did because we have such a strong connection and I'm sure it would have been different for me if we had lived in the same town and had sex right away. I would probably have prevented my chance of becoming attracted to him. The first time I saw his picture, I didn't really care about it one way or the other. Then we got to know each other, and I say his picture again, and I was "WOW". Because by that time I had gotten to know him, and it wasn't just a picture of some dude, it was a picture of my friend. And I found myself thinking, has he always been that hot, and how did I miss it?

I hope I managed to explain myself a little better here.
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
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