Originally Posted by Tonberry
......... Every time I had casual sex it was destructive, and never did it result in a relationship, not because casual sex can't lead into a relationship but because having sex with someone I didn't trust made me trust them less and get further from them.
Here is one of those times I think it's easy to get off track due to language. I'm unsure of your definition of 'casual sex'. In trying to understand your writing I get the impression that your definition of 'casual sex' might include even someone you had had several 'dates' with ? Insufficient time to (in theory) form much of a real bond, get to know each other really well etc.
My definition of 'casual sex' would be pretty limited to a random hookup (like a bar etc) or maybe even a co-worker where there had been some flirtation but never any real opportunity for much personal communication.
Because I think this boundary/definition is critical to even being sure we are talking the same subject ! I'm not a huge fan of casual sex either - by MY definition, although neither would I be opposed to it for myself or anyone else under the right circumstances. As you mention yourself, one never knows when/how connections form. But I'm not one who would be expecting or anticipating one to materialize from a random hookup. But neither would I be blind to it if it happened.
Originally Posted by Tonberry
It felt like an invasion of my privacy, which I caused and was to blame for. I also realised I didn't have that sex because I waned to but because I felt it was expected of me, and I have decided since then not to do that kind of things again.
This is one part I think plays better with the original topic of gender differences in sexual outlook or poly etc. It's obvious from this that you see your place/role in sexual activity as primarily a passive one. The one 'pursued' which is where I think was one of the primary contributions/changes the feminist movement tried to change. The ideal of course would be to get to a point that the pursuer and pursued would be gender neutral. I'm all about this ! Despite the frowns of classic society, I have ever respected a woman who stepped up and took charge of her own sexual identity and activity as much as she might her career. A gal SHOULD be pursuing what she feels might be desirable rather than sitting back waiting to be pursued and then only taking the role you spoke of of 'granting permission'. That approach gets no respect from me. But that's me. And no - I'm a far cry from any submissive. Quite the contrary actually.
But to get back more to what we were discussing.....let me phrase a question another way that might cut closer to the heart of my point/question.
Situation.....after having sex (finally) with someone you had established a tight bond with and discovering that there was just no way that it was going to be acceptable (many potential reasons for that), how DO you tell them that, without hurting them, possibly deeply ? What words could you use ?
Especially words that you believe wouldn't be the beginnings of a wall that would, over time, only grow between you ?
Because I think the answer to this from the different genders would very widely as well as the fallout associated.
Because people's (a majority anyway) sexual identities are so important to their self image, how do you navigate incompatibilities, especially with people who I think have not taken the time to especially educate themselves in the nuances of human sexuality ? And when I speak of 'incompatibilities', I'm speaking of basics - not special kinks, preferences etc. Could be a basic as aggressive/passive style, body part images/odors, audible styles etc. Basics. Things that can easily be a turn off - or at least lack of 'turn on'.
I, like most people I suspect (?), have to have some basic minimum of desirables present in order to make it worth the time & effort. And of course there's a potential gender difference here too. As a 'guy', if it's not happening, it's going to be painfully obvious. No faking it with some extra lube options available to us
You get my drift here ?
So how DO you say the words ???????????