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Old 12-25-2010, 10:54 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Understood. But sexual compatibility involves SO much more than basic physical attraction. I'm going to go out on a limb from this quote (plus your other writing) and guess that you may never have ended up in bed with someone who you thought 'physically' attractive only to find out that it just wasn't really there......
That's true, I've only had the other thing, sex with someone I wasn't compatible with (in ways other than sexual) which was very hard for me to break and left me feeling like I never really got anything out of the relationship. Anything I would have wanted to, at least. It's after that experience that I realised I care more about the emotional connection, with or without sex, and that sex without that emotional connection leaves me with negative feelings rather than positive ones, like I am trying to patch up something, to replace what I really want and need with something else.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Why choose this ? Wouldn't YOU be as much an active part of pursuing the sex as the other party ? Who might be using whom ? Or is ANYONE using anyone ? Or just exploring... Why does one become 'worthless' because they choose to explore sexual connection ? Seems there must be a lot of 'worthless' people in the world eh ?
Well, to be honest I don't see myself doing it anymore, so I was using my past experiences. Because what I care about is a strong connection (be it love or friendship) and because I need it for sex, sex without it leaves me feeling bad.
If I just want the physical aspect, I can masturbate. However, sex is different because it's a sharing of energy, it's showing yourself vulnerable in front of each other, letting them know you intimately. It's the physical equivalent of sharing your deepest secrets, but it's more than that, because it's not only physical, there is an emotional aspect to it too. That's the way I personally experience it.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hmmmmmm................getting what we want eh...........interesting. And failure to even/at least attempt some manipulation we are undeserving of respect ?
What do you mean by manipulation? What I meant is that now I know what works for me, and it's not casual sex. As a result, if I had casual sex, I would feel bad and stupid for doing something I know doesn't work for me.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Do you think this is this your OWN image (you've constructed via much thought & effort) ? Or a personage assimilated from the society you've been exposed to ? Genuinely curious........
I do think it is my own perception of myself. I agree that there is a lot of sex negativity in our society, but I don't feel sex negative. I enjoy it, I like it, I'm not afraid of talking about it. I have requirements for it, as I guess anyone else does, and one of them is a strong trusting bond with my partners. It would hurt my image of myself to know I have done something that I knew doesn't work for me. Every time I had casual sex it was destructive, and never did it result in a relationship, not because casual sex can't lead into a relationship but because having sex with someone I didn't trust made me trust them less and get further from them. It felt like an invasion of my privacy, which I caused and was to blame for. I also realised I didn't have that sex because I waned to but because I felt it was expected of me, and I have decided since then not to do that kind of things again.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
I hear this - and respect it. But only because it's your personal choice, not because I believe it's accurate in general or the wisest or best choice.
Oh, I entirely believe that this is a personal thing that varies from one person to the next. I wouldn't expect other people to feel the exact same way I do, nor do I think "my way" is the best one. It's the best one for me, at this time, that's all. And I don't know if it will always be that way, I might change as well.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
And why would you regret them (assuming there was not some disaster resulting from your choice) ? You were faced with options (early sex or not), used your experience and instinct to guide you, and made YOUR choice ? If the worst outcome was that you discovered sex was not going to work between you, why would this be a regretful choice ? It would have come sooner or later- yes?
I think my previous replies in this post mostly answer that, but I'll add that even if it comes sooner and later, it would help me if it comes out when I can get support from a friend I trust, the person I have a strong connection with. Knowing that it won't work, but that we're still friends and we'll get through this together is much easier than seeing them run away because we never had a connection in the first place. And if we still love each other, I still have that, and since that's the most important part for me, the lack of sex isn't going to be such a big deal.
It might be harder if I feel the sex is great but they don't, because being platonic lovers would be harder in that case.
If they wanted to just stop seeing each other completely, that would be fairly hard for me. It would make me feel like what we had meant nothing to them and they were just in for the sex. Which is something you should be clear about from the start. I feel is the emotional connection is there, a lack of sex isn't going to break a relationship, especially when you are polyamorous. You can be platonic lovers or non-sexual partners or however you call it, and have a very fulfilling, although different, relationship.
Well - I use 'potential' because love is a complex process, especially in it's different forms. And the truth or depth of it is not discovered in the first few days, months or even years in many cases. Until then we sense 'potential' but can't be sure where where it's going to end up.

Interesting discussion.................

Me: 30F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 32M, straight
Dragon: My boyfriend, 29M, pansexual, married to Fox
Fox: My boyfriend, 29M, homoflexible, married to Dragon
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